Today is a good day to write this - a subject that has been on my mind for years now. I feel rotten today - probably food poisoning. It feels like my intestines are being tied up in knots and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself. I'm pretty confident right now that this will pass in a day or two. A few years ago, though, I felt like this and it didn't pass so quickly. For weeks - I'm not sure exactly how long - I felt like this. It was long enough for me to start wondering if this was a permanent condition, but short enough that I didn't take it to the medical profession (I tend to resist going to doctors).
"This too shall pass" is a popular saying to share with those who are suffering. For many, it's a source of true comfort. But what if "this" - whatever it is - doesn't pass? There have been times in my life when it would have been more comforting for someone to say to me: "don't worry, one day you'll die". The prospect of death was much more reassuring than that of a life with less (whether physical, emotional or spiritual) pain. I should qualify that by saying that the comfort of death lies in the promise of eternal life to come afterward. I wouldn't find it so inviting if it was the final end to everything.
What if, for the forseeable future - perhaps even the rest of a lifetime - "this" won't pass? Some problems actually just get bigger and older with time. Pain isn't so bad if it's just for a day, but if it goes on and on unrelenting, then what? And sometimes, we can flippantly throw someone that phrase "this too shall pass" with no understanding of what is really under the pain they are experiencing. What people complain about is not necessarily what's really hurting. It's a lot easier to talk about the flu or a difficult colleague at work than it is to explain an abused childhood (I'm deliberately using an example that doesn't apply to me).
What I personally find comforting is not simply the hope of a trial or challenge coming to an end in this lifetime, but knowing that behind every pain, God has a purpose and a plan. I try to ask myself (have I said this before?) "what am I learning?" Because, you know what? I want this pain to be proactive! If I'm hurting, I want it to achieve something! I don't want to just be hanging around waiting for the hard stuff to be over and done with so I can get to the good stuff. I can't get to the good stuff unless I learn from the hard stuff.
I don't tend to ask others in pain "what are you learning from this?" because I figure it's likely to come across as pretty insensitive and arrogant. But I probably won't say "this too shall pass" either. It might not pass. This might be part of the rest of your physical life. But God has a purpose and a plan. Do we want in on it or not? Excuse me while I go and study. :)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Monday, December 24, 2012
What We Should
"With great power comes great responsibility." Remember that saying from Spiderman? (Now there's a movie I plan never to watch again.) Well. It's true, isn't it? And true of being a parent. As parents we have enormous power, and most of us take the responsibilty that goes with it very seriously.
We wonder whether we should make our children practise their music, or let them decide. We ask ourselves whether swimming lessons or ball sports are more important. We agonise over the perfect balance between innocence and being aware of potential dangers in the world around them. We argue back and forth among ourselves over food, screen time, independence, safety, attachment, breastfeeding - in fact, every imaginable facet of parenting becomes subject to a squillion conflicting "rules" dictated to befuddled parents by a myriad of "experts".
Once again, though, we are asking ourselves the Wrong Questions. There is no one authoratitative resource which defines the ideal diet, the perfect balance of extracurricular activities and the exact formula for screen time. In its own unique way, though, the Bible tells us exactly what we should do. The big, central question for every parent, is exactly the same as the big, central question for every human being: "what should I become?" (And, of course, there are a whole bunch of other questions that go along with that, but - interestingly - "should we have pizza for dinner tonight?" is not one of them.)
Being a good parent is all about being a good person. And being a good person is comprehensively defined by the Bible. It starts with realising you can't actually be a good person without God working in your life, front and centre. And then there are a whole pile of principles that apply to every human relationship - including the parent-child relationship. God's definition of Love in 1 Corinthians 13 is a great place to start.
Let me digress a little. We have a bad habit of defining parental success by the outcomes in the lives of our children. Ever heard a parent say something like: "we tried everything to make Johnny stop hitting his sister, but nothing worked"? The implication is that it's our job to make our children do what is right... and that somehow that will turn them into good people. To a limited extent we can control and change our children's behaviour when they're young, but shouldn't our goal be to teach them what is right and what is wrong (including administering painful consequences, to demonstrate clearly that sin causes pain) and hope like mad that they will choose to do what is right? That sounds terrifying, but sooner or later, our children will choose for themselves, whether we like it or not, and if we spent their lives forcing them to do what's right, they may not choose the right so readily as we might hope.
We may do everything humanly possible to be good parents... and have children who grow up to make bad choices and end up in jail. On the other hand, we could be utterly selfish and yet churn out kids who become doctors who choose to give freely of their services in third-world countries. The choices our children ultimately make don't define our success (or failure) as parents. There are countless people who have risen above a horrible upbringing to become outstanding leaders. Unfortunately, the reverse is also true.
Soooo, getting back to the main point, the truest definition of our success (or not) as parents, is whether (or not) we become what we should. It's whether (or not) we do what we should. It's whether (or not) we live as we should. If we are really and truly guided by the principle of loving others as ourselves and God most of all, then the question of how many serves of veges our kids have eaten today fade into insignificance. The right actions will naturally flow from the right frame of mind.
Of course, none of us will ever love our children perfectly in this lifetime, because we are still human. But if we are truly motivated to become what we should, then in the grand scheme of things - regardless of what our children choose to do with their lives - we will truly have succeeded.
We wonder whether we should make our children practise their music, or let them decide. We ask ourselves whether swimming lessons or ball sports are more important. We agonise over the perfect balance between innocence and being aware of potential dangers in the world around them. We argue back and forth among ourselves over food, screen time, independence, safety, attachment, breastfeeding - in fact, every imaginable facet of parenting becomes subject to a squillion conflicting "rules" dictated to befuddled parents by a myriad of "experts".
Once again, though, we are asking ourselves the Wrong Questions. There is no one authoratitative resource which defines the ideal diet, the perfect balance of extracurricular activities and the exact formula for screen time. In its own unique way, though, the Bible tells us exactly what we should do. The big, central question for every parent, is exactly the same as the big, central question for every human being: "what should I become?" (And, of course, there are a whole bunch of other questions that go along with that, but - interestingly - "should we have pizza for dinner tonight?" is not one of them.)
Being a good parent is all about being a good person. And being a good person is comprehensively defined by the Bible. It starts with realising you can't actually be a good person without God working in your life, front and centre. And then there are a whole pile of principles that apply to every human relationship - including the parent-child relationship. God's definition of Love in 1 Corinthians 13 is a great place to start.
Let me digress a little. We have a bad habit of defining parental success by the outcomes in the lives of our children. Ever heard a parent say something like: "we tried everything to make Johnny stop hitting his sister, but nothing worked"? The implication is that it's our job to make our children do what is right... and that somehow that will turn them into good people. To a limited extent we can control and change our children's behaviour when they're young, but shouldn't our goal be to teach them what is right and what is wrong (including administering painful consequences, to demonstrate clearly that sin causes pain) and hope like mad that they will choose to do what is right? That sounds terrifying, but sooner or later, our children will choose for themselves, whether we like it or not, and if we spent their lives forcing them to do what's right, they may not choose the right so readily as we might hope.
We may do everything humanly possible to be good parents... and have children who grow up to make bad choices and end up in jail. On the other hand, we could be utterly selfish and yet churn out kids who become doctors who choose to give freely of their services in third-world countries. The choices our children ultimately make don't define our success (or failure) as parents. There are countless people who have risen above a horrible upbringing to become outstanding leaders. Unfortunately, the reverse is also true.
Soooo, getting back to the main point, the truest definition of our success (or not) as parents, is whether (or not) we become what we should. It's whether (or not) we do what we should. It's whether (or not) we live as we should. If we are really and truly guided by the principle of loving others as ourselves and God most of all, then the question of how many serves of veges our kids have eaten today fade into insignificance. The right actions will naturally flow from the right frame of mind.
Of course, none of us will ever love our children perfectly in this lifetime, because we are still human. But if we are truly motivated to become what we should, then in the grand scheme of things - regardless of what our children choose to do with their lives - we will truly have succeeded.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Homeschooling Nuts and Bolts - Getting Started
This is for anyone who has decided to start homeschooling young children and is wondering where to start. This is not a set of instructions, but a set of suggestions, and if your child(ren) has already spent some time in school, then you may not find this helpful because our kids have never been to school. And even if your kids have never been to school either, my family is not yours, your circumstances may be very different to mine, etc, etc, yada, yada.
First thing (if you haven't already) I suggest you find out what your legal obligations are in your area. These are widely varied even within Australia, and outside of Australia, I have no idea how homeschooling works. I would advise considering carefully whether to register or not (I think every state in Australia requires some form of registration). We registered because we consider it our moral obligation (because the Bible says so) to obey the laws of the land wherever they don't contradict God's laws. In our case, in our state, we don't consider the registration requirement to go against God's laws, so we registered. Simple.
Registration here in Victoria requires signing a piece of paper that promises to teach key learning areas (KLAs) regularly and efficiently. Before you get too stuck on those words "regularly and efficiently", consider these statements: "I brush my teeth regularly (that's every day), but I also visit the dentist regularly (and that's every six months)". In other words, there's a lot of wiggle room in that word "regularly". And as for efficiently - well, by it's very nature homeschooling is much more efficient than conventional schooling. I can teach a child to read, while supervising a toddler and listening to piano and violin practise (making sure it's being done and done properly). If that's not efficient, I don't know what is!
Anyway, I do recommend you take the time to read any forms carefully before you sign. It's reasonably easy to fly under the radar while unregistered, but once you're on that government radar... well, you're there to stay. Having said that, being unregistered can make it seem like you have something to hide, which isn't always a good look. If you're in one of those states where people actually come to your home and want to see your plans and learning area, then it might be a good idea to chat to some home schoolers in your area who have already been there and done that to make sure that you're prepared.
OK, that's the boring paper stuff out of the way. What next?
Think about your priorities for your child(ren)'s education and how you can tick any government boxes you need to, while keeping the focus on the things that really matter. It's easy to get so busy ticking boxes that you lose sight of why you came here in the first place. Seriously, get those priorities fixed in your head - write them down if you need to - you may be surprised at how easily they get knocked out of place when you see or hear about what others are doing with their kids. Don't let anyone else (but God) set the agenda for your homeschool. Please!
Think long term. Discuss your goals with your husband, pray about them, read Proverbs... Think about the steps you need to take to reach the end goal (might sound obvious, but it's amazing how quickly the drive to "make the most of" an expensive curriculum or resource can erode your vision for your home) and keep taking those steps.
If you've got cash to splash around, then go ahead and splash, but if you're on a tight budget, resist the urge to buy the first thing that lots of people recommend. I bought some books (thankfully not horrendously expensive) that got lots of rave reviews - loved the first one, hated the ones that followed... really hated them! If your kids are little, there's a lot you can do with a pen, paper, and a library card.. And it's not necessarily more work than buying a curriculum.
If at all possible, look at books before you buy them, try out samples if you can, or borrow a copy from friends for a short time (if you can trust yourself - I can't, so I don't borrow). Sometimes a book that looks great falls completely flat, or turns out to be a lot more work than anticipated, because your kid doesn't "get" it.
If you can (and I know that this isn't always possible, for many reasons), teach reading first. If you have toddlers and babies to think about as well, I really recommend just teaching your school-age child to read before you do any other subjects (except, perhaps, some basic maths). If reading proves to be a real stumbling block, then obviously this won't work, but wherever possible, the sooner you have a competent reader, the sooner you have a child who can begin to work more independently. You can write out simple instructions when you have the time, rather than your child coming to you every few minutes to ask what to do next. Alternatively, if you choose your curriculum carefully, your child should be able to read and follow the directions for themselves without constant input from you. (The aim isn't no input, just for your child to start being self-directed where possible and reasonable). And in reality, you're probably covering most of the other KLAs just by living everyday life with your kids.
If you're worried about "missing" other subjects (especially if you have someone checking up on you), then with a little planning, you can incorporate other subjects into reading instruction and practice. A lot of libraries have (deadly dull and condescending...) non-fiction books for early readers. They are rarely inspiring, but if they help you "tick that box" once in a while, then so be it. Or, if you have the time and inclination, you can always write short "stories" yourself about other topics you're obliged to cover. (E.g. for Science and Art you might write "plants need sun. Plants need rain." and then get your kiddo to "illustrate" what you've written. Easy.)
So, with nearly six months till the school year begins (if you're in Australia), there's plenty of time to be planning for your adventures in homeschooling. There need not be hours of planning involved, but now is a great time to be checking out other people's resources, finding out what the laws are in your state, and setting in place whatever routines or habits will enable you to function in your first school year. It's not as hard as it sounds!
Happy homeschooling!
First thing (if you haven't already) I suggest you find out what your legal obligations are in your area. These are widely varied even within Australia, and outside of Australia, I have no idea how homeschooling works. I would advise considering carefully whether to register or not (I think every state in Australia requires some form of registration). We registered because we consider it our moral obligation (because the Bible says so) to obey the laws of the land wherever they don't contradict God's laws. In our case, in our state, we don't consider the registration requirement to go against God's laws, so we registered. Simple.
Registration here in Victoria requires signing a piece of paper that promises to teach key learning areas (KLAs) regularly and efficiently. Before you get too stuck on those words "regularly and efficiently", consider these statements: "I brush my teeth regularly (that's every day), but I also visit the dentist regularly (and that's every six months)". In other words, there's a lot of wiggle room in that word "regularly". And as for efficiently - well, by it's very nature homeschooling is much more efficient than conventional schooling. I can teach a child to read, while supervising a toddler and listening to piano and violin practise (making sure it's being done and done properly). If that's not efficient, I don't know what is!
Anyway, I do recommend you take the time to read any forms carefully before you sign. It's reasonably easy to fly under the radar while unregistered, but once you're on that government radar... well, you're there to stay. Having said that, being unregistered can make it seem like you have something to hide, which isn't always a good look. If you're in one of those states where people actually come to your home and want to see your plans and learning area, then it might be a good idea to chat to some home schoolers in your area who have already been there and done that to make sure that you're prepared.
OK, that's the boring paper stuff out of the way. What next?
Think about your priorities for your child(ren)'s education and how you can tick any government boxes you need to, while keeping the focus on the things that really matter. It's easy to get so busy ticking boxes that you lose sight of why you came here in the first place. Seriously, get those priorities fixed in your head - write them down if you need to - you may be surprised at how easily they get knocked out of place when you see or hear about what others are doing with their kids. Don't let anyone else (but God) set the agenda for your homeschool. Please!
Think long term. Discuss your goals with your husband, pray about them, read Proverbs... Think about the steps you need to take to reach the end goal (might sound obvious, but it's amazing how quickly the drive to "make the most of" an expensive curriculum or resource can erode your vision for your home) and keep taking those steps.
If you've got cash to splash around, then go ahead and splash, but if you're on a tight budget, resist the urge to buy the first thing that lots of people recommend. I bought some books (thankfully not horrendously expensive) that got lots of rave reviews - loved the first one, hated the ones that followed... really hated them! If your kids are little, there's a lot you can do with a pen, paper, and a library card.. And it's not necessarily more work than buying a curriculum.
If at all possible, look at books before you buy them, try out samples if you can, or borrow a copy from friends for a short time (if you can trust yourself - I can't, so I don't borrow). Sometimes a book that looks great falls completely flat, or turns out to be a lot more work than anticipated, because your kid doesn't "get" it.
If you can (and I know that this isn't always possible, for many reasons), teach reading first. If you have toddlers and babies to think about as well, I really recommend just teaching your school-age child to read before you do any other subjects (except, perhaps, some basic maths). If reading proves to be a real stumbling block, then obviously this won't work, but wherever possible, the sooner you have a competent reader, the sooner you have a child who can begin to work more independently. You can write out simple instructions when you have the time, rather than your child coming to you every few minutes to ask what to do next. Alternatively, if you choose your curriculum carefully, your child should be able to read and follow the directions for themselves without constant input from you. (The aim isn't no input, just for your child to start being self-directed where possible and reasonable). And in reality, you're probably covering most of the other KLAs just by living everyday life with your kids.
If you're worried about "missing" other subjects (especially if you have someone checking up on you), then with a little planning, you can incorporate other subjects into reading instruction and practice. A lot of libraries have (deadly dull and condescending...) non-fiction books for early readers. They are rarely inspiring, but if they help you "tick that box" once in a while, then so be it. Or, if you have the time and inclination, you can always write short "stories" yourself about other topics you're obliged to cover. (E.g. for Science and Art you might write "plants need sun. Plants need rain." and then get your kiddo to "illustrate" what you've written. Easy.)
So, with nearly six months till the school year begins (if you're in Australia), there's plenty of time to be planning for your adventures in homeschooling. There need not be hours of planning involved, but now is a great time to be checking out other people's resources, finding out what the laws are in your state, and setting in place whatever routines or habits will enable you to function in your first school year. It's not as hard as it sounds!
Happy homeschooling!
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Wrong Question
We ask it a lot, we hear it a lot, we think it even when we don't ask it. It's the secret fear of homeschooling mothers the world over "am I doing enough?"
But see, that's the wrong question. While we worry about checkboxes and "essential" learning and what other people think of us when they meet our children, other, much bigger questions loom in the background.
What are they absorbing? What are the values in the air we breath? In the words we speak when we're not thinking? In the things we do when we think no one is looking?
Is there any chance that our children's bad habits - the ones that bug and embarrass us - actually represent our silent curriculum. No, I'm not saying that every bad or annoying thing your child does is all your fault - I'm sure they came up with one or two things all by themselves...
What needs to change in this home where we "do" school? I can tell you, a lot of things need to change in this home. Some I already know, many - somewhat depressingly - will emerge over the coming years. I need to stop whinging (I wonder where the kids got that from?). I need to call a moratorium on negativity and learn to really and truly speak the truth in love. I need to spend less time on selfish, time-wasting pursuits (such as mindlessly surfing internet shopping sites for the perfect... whatever) and invest myself much more in relationships... including the really tough ones. I need to stop turning my back on the things that I don't want to see and face up to ugly realities - like, my children aren't perfect.
Really guys, if we ask the right questions and seek to answer them with action, the rest will fall into place. We will do "enough", and not only that, we'll do enough of the right things. We'll bypass all the fluff because we'll see it for what it really is.
Here's the challenge: do we have the courage to start honestly asking the right questions?
But see, that's the wrong question. While we worry about checkboxes and "essential" learning and what other people think of us when they meet our children, other, much bigger questions loom in the background.
What are they absorbing? What are the values in the air we breath? In the words we speak when we're not thinking? In the things we do when we think no one is looking?
Is there any chance that our children's bad habits - the ones that bug and embarrass us - actually represent our silent curriculum. No, I'm not saying that every bad or annoying thing your child does is all your fault - I'm sure they came up with one or two things all by themselves...
What needs to change in this home where we "do" school? I can tell you, a lot of things need to change in this home. Some I already know, many - somewhat depressingly - will emerge over the coming years. I need to stop whinging (I wonder where the kids got that from?). I need to call a moratorium on negativity and learn to really and truly speak the truth in love. I need to spend less time on selfish, time-wasting pursuits (such as mindlessly surfing internet shopping sites for the perfect... whatever) and invest myself much more in relationships... including the really tough ones. I need to stop turning my back on the things that I don't want to see and face up to ugly realities - like, my children aren't perfect.
Really guys, if we ask the right questions and seek to answer them with action, the rest will fall into place. We will do "enough", and not only that, we'll do enough of the right things. We'll bypass all the fluff because we'll see it for what it really is.
Here's the challenge: do we have the courage to start honestly asking the right questions?
Monday, July 30, 2012
Live Where You Are
Life can get messy. I'm tired this morning after a night full of Chatterbox and Baby taking turns in waking me up. As I cough up what feels like chunks of my lungs, I'm thinking it's waaaaay too long sinceI visited either my own grandmother, or my husband's grandmother. But I shouldn't visit them while I'm sick...
And a hundred thoughts of what I would like to do if I could are swirling around in my head. But I'm finally learning something which I wish I'd really understood a looooong time ago. I need to accept today for what it is. As long as I give brain space to all the coulda, shoulda, wanna thoughts, I'm wasting this day that I'm living in right now.
As a kid, I spent so many years waiting to be a grown up. Then, as a uni student, I was killing time waiting for the love of my life to come along. Well, not completely - I had other plans too, but it wasn't until I was into my second year of uni that I finally "clicked" that I was living life, not waiting for it to begin - that I needed to live where I was, rather than waiting to be somewhere else. That I needed to choose to live with purpose now, rather than drift in a sea of what-ifs.
But it's easy to forget that while, yes, I need to make plans and have intentions, in the end I can only actually live where I am right now. If I want to be somewhere else, then I need to actually go there, rather than just waiting to magically arrive.
In other words, instead of longing for the day when my kids are more independent, I need to actually equip them for independence today... or, if that's not an option, I need to switch off the pointless longings and work on something that I can actually do. I need to live where I am.
Yes, there is a place for healthy grief when our dreams are blown out of the water. I've been there more than once. But if grief is threatening to swallow me alive, then something needs to change. I need to accept today as it is and live where I am. Not where I wish I was.
Today, for me, that means resting, praying, reading the Bible, eating well, getting out in the sun, sitting here writing... wedged in between the reality of being a mother of four still-young girls. Instead of fighting that reality, I need to embrace it, accept it and do it with all of my might.
Nope, there's no glamour and glory in laundry and dishes and brushing hair and guiding four little people in a hundred mundane and barely-visible ways. But that's where I live right now, so that's what I need to do with all my might.
So how about you join me today? Live where you are. Accept today for what it is and live it for the glory of God.
And a hundred thoughts of what I would like to do if I could are swirling around in my head. But I'm finally learning something which I wish I'd really understood a looooong time ago. I need to accept today for what it is. As long as I give brain space to all the coulda, shoulda, wanna thoughts, I'm wasting this day that I'm living in right now.
As a kid, I spent so many years waiting to be a grown up. Then, as a uni student, I was killing time waiting for the love of my life to come along. Well, not completely - I had other plans too, but it wasn't until I was into my second year of uni that I finally "clicked" that I was living life, not waiting for it to begin - that I needed to live where I was, rather than waiting to be somewhere else. That I needed to choose to live with purpose now, rather than drift in a sea of what-ifs.
But it's easy to forget that while, yes, I need to make plans and have intentions, in the end I can only actually live where I am right now. If I want to be somewhere else, then I need to actually go there, rather than just waiting to magically arrive.
In other words, instead of longing for the day when my kids are more independent, I need to actually equip them for independence today... or, if that's not an option, I need to switch off the pointless longings and work on something that I can actually do. I need to live where I am.
Yes, there is a place for healthy grief when our dreams are blown out of the water. I've been there more than once. But if grief is threatening to swallow me alive, then something needs to change. I need to accept today as it is and live where I am. Not where I wish I was.
Today, for me, that means resting, praying, reading the Bible, eating well, getting out in the sun, sitting here writing... wedged in between the reality of being a mother of four still-young girls. Instead of fighting that reality, I need to embrace it, accept it and do it with all of my might.
Nope, there's no glamour and glory in laundry and dishes and brushing hair and guiding four little people in a hundred mundane and barely-visible ways. But that's where I live right now, so that's what I need to do with all my might.
What Will We Write?
Day after day, we write messages to our children that they will carry into the future. Some are in words, many more are in actions.
They won't necessarily live by what we write. They won't necessarily remember with their minds, but somewhere in the people they become will be a memory of our daily messages.
My oldest isn't even ten yet, so how can I know this? Because I see it in myself, and I see it in the people around me. As adults, we choose our paths through life and our parents deserve neither the credit, nor the blame, for where we land. But. Childhood experiences can either smooth the journey or... "rough" it.
So what will we write?
Will they grow up knowing that anything good is worth working for? Will they grow up believing that mistakes are opportunities? ... Or disasters? Will they wonder why the world is out to get them? ... Or will they recognise that stupidity has a price tag and learn to make better choices next time? Will life be all about them, or all about others? Above all, will they be willing to grow? ...Or will they want to put down roots where they are, as they are, and stay there for the rest of their lives?
Our messages are everywhere. In our expectations. And in our lack of expectations. In our tone of voice. In our silence. Written on our faces. Even if we don't know what we are saying, our kids will.
Do we expect our children to rise to their potential? Or are we happy for them to putter along in a state of mediocrity (for them) because they are "bright" (by the world's standards), content with their feeble efforts at maintaining the status quo. Or, on the other hand, do we try to drag our children up to an impossible standard (for them) because they are "slow" (by the world's standards), never satisfied with their courage and persistence in reaching for an unreasonable goal?
What will we write?
Will we congratulate our children for merely not making trouble and not being "bad"? Or will we teach them to strive for what is good and right? By striving for what is good and right ourselves?
Will our children learn that saying sorry is to be avoided at all costs, because it is an admission of guilt and failure? Or will they learn to own up and say sorry... time after time, if necessary? Will they learn that it is enough that they "didn't mean to", or will they learn to "mean not to"?
We live in a world that will write messages to our children as well.
Will we let our children slide along with the culture and absorb their values from movies and social media because we really can't be bothered to be connected to them? Because we just don't have the time and energy to spare from our own dreams and pursuits to truly plug into their lives?
Whoever we are, wherever we are, this parenting gig is hard, hard, hard work if we care about doing it right. We will write messages to our children, by our presence, or our absence. The question is, what will we write?
They won't necessarily live by what we write. They won't necessarily remember with their minds, but somewhere in the people they become will be a memory of our daily messages.
My oldest isn't even ten yet, so how can I know this? Because I see it in myself, and I see it in the people around me. As adults, we choose our paths through life and our parents deserve neither the credit, nor the blame, for where we land. But. Childhood experiences can either smooth the journey or... "rough" it.
So what will we write?
Will they grow up knowing that anything good is worth working for? Will they grow up believing that mistakes are opportunities? ... Or disasters? Will they wonder why the world is out to get them? ... Or will they recognise that stupidity has a price tag and learn to make better choices next time? Will life be all about them, or all about others? Above all, will they be willing to grow? ...Or will they want to put down roots where they are, as they are, and stay there for the rest of their lives?
Our messages are everywhere. In our expectations. And in our lack of expectations. In our tone of voice. In our silence. Written on our faces. Even if we don't know what we are saying, our kids will.
Do we expect our children to rise to their potential? Or are we happy for them to putter along in a state of mediocrity (for them) because they are "bright" (by the world's standards), content with their feeble efforts at maintaining the status quo. Or, on the other hand, do we try to drag our children up to an impossible standard (for them) because they are "slow" (by the world's standards), never satisfied with their courage and persistence in reaching for an unreasonable goal?
What will we write?
Will we congratulate our children for merely not making trouble and not being "bad"? Or will we teach them to strive for what is good and right? By striving for what is good and right ourselves?
Will our children learn that saying sorry is to be avoided at all costs, because it is an admission of guilt and failure? Or will they learn to own up and say sorry... time after time, if necessary? Will they learn that it is enough that they "didn't mean to", or will they learn to "mean not to"?
We live in a world that will write messages to our children as well.
Will we let our children slide along with the culture and absorb their values from movies and social media because we really can't be bothered to be connected to them? Because we just don't have the time and energy to spare from our own dreams and pursuits to truly plug into their lives?
Whoever we are, wherever we are, this parenting gig is hard, hard, hard work if we care about doing it right. We will write messages to our children, by our presence, or our absence. The question is, what will we write?
Thursday, July 26, 2012
So You're Thinking About Homeschooling...
It's been four and a half years now since we first officially started our homeschooling journey. I've learnt a lot in that time, and expect to keep on learning for the rest of my life. Four plus years on, this post is for anyone thinking about taking that step into the unknown (although it will probably be most useful to parents of young children since my oldest is grade four level, so I have no experience in homeschooling older children).
Much of what I would like to suggest is not what we did from the start, but what I wish we did from the start. Hopefully others might benefit from some of my stumbling-along-in-the-dark experiences.
First of all, I would encourage you to examine your reasons really carefully. Ponder them, pray about them, talk about them to anyone who will listen, write them down... Because, at some point, things will go pear-shaped. Life is like that. Stuff goes wrong. If you send your kid(s) to school stuff will go wrong. If you keep your kid(s) at home stuff will go wrong. The difference is, that if you keep your kids home, homeschooling is much more likely to get the blame for things that go wrong and there is a high likelihood that someone (or everyone, as the case may be) will suggest school as the solution. The reverse (those around you suggesting that school is the problem and homeschooling is the solution) may happen, but is far less common.
So. Homeschooling goes against the status quo, and you can expect that there may be people in your life who will take every opportunity to pressure you to put your kids in school. For that reason, it's best to have some clarity in your own mind about why you want to homeschool and about what the "deal-breakers" are for you. Otherwise, you will vulnerable to every dissenting voice you hear - and if you're unlucky there may be many dissenting voices. I've been fortunate to be surrounded by support, but it seems that my situation is very rare.
Are you considering homeschooling for academic reasons? Are you willing to give up the hours of your day, five days a week to provide the mental stimulation or "head start" that may enhance your child's adult life? Are you happy to give up the potential extra income or time pursuing your own interests, or time with younger children for that cause?
Are you concerned about bullying? What if your kid gets bullied outside of school? What if life is harder in the future because he or she doesn't know how to "fit in" with "normal" people?
I'm playing the devil's advocate here, because some parents start homeschooling with high hopes, unreachable ideals and unachievable expectations. Only to be flattened by the reality that kids are still kids and don't always "pick up" bad behaviour from others. I'm an ardent advocate of homeschooling, but I'm also an ardent advocate of living in reality.
If you can, I would really encourage you to discuss homeschooling with those nearest and dearest to you. If you are really willing to hear them and also respectfully share your perspective, they are much more likely to be "on your side", whatever you decide in the end. Parents or close friends may bring up valid concerns that you hadn't considered - or they may surprise you with a more objective view of the school system as a whole (if they don't have kids themselves - if they have their own kids, then they will probably struggle to be completely objective - I know I do). We did talk to our families about homeschooling before we took that step, and I'm glad we did. We also asked some teaching professionals (who we greatly respected, but weren't in our closest circle of friends) what they thought about homeschooling.
Everyone we spoke to brought a different perspective and helped us create a big picture that enabled us to decide that public school was not a landscape we wanted to paint our kids into at that time. (Private school was out of the question financially.)
Above all, please, please go beyond the questions of academic and social considerations. This is not a post about why you should homeschool your kids. It's a post about why you should think about the decisions you make about your child(ren)'s future. I respect those who weigh up their options and decide to send their kids to school. I worry about kids whose parents just.... decide.
Find out what the school system is about. (Don't just go on hearsay.) The education department has goals for your children. Are you happy with those goals? If not, can you still come to a compromise? How do you feel about your little girl or boy being under the authority of someone who may reject your dearest values? What will you do if your little one is "sick" every school morning? What will you do if your child starts telling you that she wants to marry her best friend (also a girl), because her best friend's Mummy married a girl (a valid question for homeschoolers as well as "schoolers")? What will you do when your child gets in trouble for doing something that you think was right?
I'm not suggesting that I have a bunch of right answers for these questions - but that we all, as parents, need to get into the habit of pro-acting instead of reacting.
Although many of us enter homeschooling territory as a reaction - either to our own past, or that of our children - homeschooling as a reaction to all the bad stuff "out there" has a very limited shelf life. At some point, to be truly successful, homeschooling has to start being proactive - it has to start being about all the great stuff we can give to our children beyond the school system (in the end, all parents are homeschoolers - just some choose to send their kids to school away from home during "business" hours).
If we are simply running away from school, then disillusionment is sure to strike at some point. If we have a mission and a vision for our families, then it's a whole lot easier to make good decisions for our kid(s) based on whether a particular tool is going to take us where we're going - because we're actually following a predetemined path. If we're running away, then the myriad of possible paths leading away from our fear can be bewildering.
So I'm encouraging you to think about where you're going and why. Have a direction, have goals, have a purpose, choose a path. It's a lot easier to fill in the details if you really know why you're doing what you're doing. Advanced calculus doesn't seem quite so important when you put it into the context that you are teaching a very creative, artistic child to be a good steward with her talents. You can relax when she hits a brick wall with fractions, remembering that she is unlikely to choose engineering as a profession... and that's OK. On the other hand, maybe you'll push her through the fractions for the sake of the character that comes from doing something hard and unpleasant. Either way, it's all about the mission and the vision - as long as those are uppermost, you'll experience a lot less (of your own) tears and frustration.
Whether you homeschool or send your kids to school, there will be days when you will question yourself and your decisions. You will experience guilt - it is the inheritance of motherhood (sorry dads, if you're reading this). BUT. If you have laid the foundations of purposeful parenting, then you can either put the guilt where it belongs (in the bin) ... or reconsider your circumstances and determine whether it's time for a new approach to how you are going to achieve your mission. Hopefully we start with a mission and a vision to last a lifetime, but hopefully we also have the humility to revisit our very reasons for being if necessary.
Much of what I would like to suggest is not what we did from the start, but what I wish we did from the start. Hopefully others might benefit from some of my stumbling-along-in-the-dark experiences.
First of all, I would encourage you to examine your reasons really carefully. Ponder them, pray about them, talk about them to anyone who will listen, write them down... Because, at some point, things will go pear-shaped. Life is like that. Stuff goes wrong. If you send your kid(s) to school stuff will go wrong. If you keep your kid(s) at home stuff will go wrong. The difference is, that if you keep your kids home, homeschooling is much more likely to get the blame for things that go wrong and there is a high likelihood that someone (or everyone, as the case may be) will suggest school as the solution. The reverse (those around you suggesting that school is the problem and homeschooling is the solution) may happen, but is far less common.
So. Homeschooling goes against the status quo, and you can expect that there may be people in your life who will take every opportunity to pressure you to put your kids in school. For that reason, it's best to have some clarity in your own mind about why you want to homeschool and about what the "deal-breakers" are for you. Otherwise, you will vulnerable to every dissenting voice you hear - and if you're unlucky there may be many dissenting voices. I've been fortunate to be surrounded by support, but it seems that my situation is very rare.
Are you considering homeschooling for academic reasons? Are you willing to give up the hours of your day, five days a week to provide the mental stimulation or "head start" that may enhance your child's adult life? Are you happy to give up the potential extra income or time pursuing your own interests, or time with younger children for that cause?
Are you concerned about bullying? What if your kid gets bullied outside of school? What if life is harder in the future because he or she doesn't know how to "fit in" with "normal" people?
I'm playing the devil's advocate here, because some parents start homeschooling with high hopes, unreachable ideals and unachievable expectations. Only to be flattened by the reality that kids are still kids and don't always "pick up" bad behaviour from others. I'm an ardent advocate of homeschooling, but I'm also an ardent advocate of living in reality.
If you can, I would really encourage you to discuss homeschooling with those nearest and dearest to you. If you are really willing to hear them and also respectfully share your perspective, they are much more likely to be "on your side", whatever you decide in the end. Parents or close friends may bring up valid concerns that you hadn't considered - or they may surprise you with a more objective view of the school system as a whole (if they don't have kids themselves - if they have their own kids, then they will probably struggle to be completely objective - I know I do). We did talk to our families about homeschooling before we took that step, and I'm glad we did. We also asked some teaching professionals (who we greatly respected, but weren't in our closest circle of friends) what they thought about homeschooling.
Everyone we spoke to brought a different perspective and helped us create a big picture that enabled us to decide that public school was not a landscape we wanted to paint our kids into at that time. (Private school was out of the question financially.)
Above all, please, please go beyond the questions of academic and social considerations. This is not a post about why you should homeschool your kids. It's a post about why you should think about the decisions you make about your child(ren)'s future. I respect those who weigh up their options and decide to send their kids to school. I worry about kids whose parents just.... decide.
Find out what the school system is about. (Don't just go on hearsay.) The education department has goals for your children. Are you happy with those goals? If not, can you still come to a compromise? How do you feel about your little girl or boy being under the authority of someone who may reject your dearest values? What will you do if your little one is "sick" every school morning? What will you do if your child starts telling you that she wants to marry her best friend (also a girl), because her best friend's Mummy married a girl (a valid question for homeschoolers as well as "schoolers")? What will you do when your child gets in trouble for doing something that you think was right?
I'm not suggesting that I have a bunch of right answers for these questions - but that we all, as parents, need to get into the habit of pro-acting instead of reacting.
Although many of us enter homeschooling territory as a reaction - either to our own past, or that of our children - homeschooling as a reaction to all the bad stuff "out there" has a very limited shelf life. At some point, to be truly successful, homeschooling has to start being proactive - it has to start being about all the great stuff we can give to our children beyond the school system (in the end, all parents are homeschoolers - just some choose to send their kids to school away from home during "business" hours).
If we are simply running away from school, then disillusionment is sure to strike at some point. If we have a mission and a vision for our families, then it's a whole lot easier to make good decisions for our kid(s) based on whether a particular tool is going to take us where we're going - because we're actually following a predetemined path. If we're running away, then the myriad of possible paths leading away from our fear can be bewildering.
So I'm encouraging you to think about where you're going and why. Have a direction, have goals, have a purpose, choose a path. It's a lot easier to fill in the details if you really know why you're doing what you're doing. Advanced calculus doesn't seem quite so important when you put it into the context that you are teaching a very creative, artistic child to be a good steward with her talents. You can relax when she hits a brick wall with fractions, remembering that she is unlikely to choose engineering as a profession... and that's OK. On the other hand, maybe you'll push her through the fractions for the sake of the character that comes from doing something hard and unpleasant. Either way, it's all about the mission and the vision - as long as those are uppermost, you'll experience a lot less (of your own) tears and frustration.
Whether you homeschool or send your kids to school, there will be days when you will question yourself and your decisions. You will experience guilt - it is the inheritance of motherhood (sorry dads, if you're reading this). BUT. If you have laid the foundations of purposeful parenting, then you can either put the guilt where it belongs (in the bin) ... or reconsider your circumstances and determine whether it's time for a new approach to how you are going to achieve your mission. Hopefully we start with a mission and a vision to last a lifetime, but hopefully we also have the humility to revisit our very reasons for being if necessary.
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