What Will We Write?

Day after day, we write messages to our children that they will carry into the future.  Some are in words, many more are in actions.

They won't necessarily live by what we write.  They won't necessarily remember with their minds, but somewhere in the people they become will be a memory of our daily messages.

My oldest isn't even ten yet, so how can I know this?  Because I see it in myself, and I see it in the people around me.  As adults, we choose our paths through life and our parents deserve neither the credit, nor the blame, for where we land.  But.  Childhood experiences can either smooth the journey or... "rough" it.

So what will we write?

Will they grow up knowing that anything good is worth working for?  Will they grow up believing that mistakes are opportunities? ... Or disasters?  Will they wonder why the world is out to get them? ... Or will they recognise that stupidity has a price tag and learn to make better choices next time?  Will life be all about them, or all about others?  Above all, will they be willing to grow? ...Or will they want to put down roots where they are, as they are, and stay there for the rest of their lives?

Our messages are everywhere.  In our expectations.  And in our lack of expectations.  In our tone of voice.  In our silence.  Written on our faces.  Even if we don't know what we are saying, our kids will.

Do we expect our children to rise to their potential?  Or are we happy for them to putter along in a state of mediocrity (for them) because they are "bright" (by the world's standards), content with their feeble efforts at maintaining the status quo.  Or, on the other hand, do we try to drag our children up to an impossible standard (for them) because they are "slow" (by the world's standards), never satisfied with their courage and persistence in reaching for an unreasonable goal?

What will we write?

Will we congratulate our children for merely not making trouble and not being "bad"?  Or will we teach them to strive for what is good and right?  By striving for what is good and right ourselves?

Will our children learn that saying sorry is to be avoided at all costs, because it is an admission of guilt and failure?  Or will they learn to own up and say sorry... time after time, if necessary?  Will they learn that it is enough that they "didn't mean to", or will they learn to "mean not to"?

We live in a world that will write messages to our children as well.

Will we let our children slide along with the culture and absorb their values from movies and social media because we really can't be bothered to be connected to them?  Because we just don't have the time and energy to spare from our own dreams and pursuits to truly plug into their lives?

Whoever we are, wherever we are, this parenting gig is hard, hard, hard work if we care about doing it right.  We will write messages to our children, by our presence, or our absence.  The question is, what will we write?

Comparison Paralysis

One day, I hope I will get through an entire day without concerning myself about how other people are living their lives. I think the temptation to compare ourselves with others leaks into every aspect of our lives if we are honest with ourselves.

It can seem harmless enough - looking for a benchmark to measure our own or our children's progress. The reality, though, is that comparisons are paralysing.

If I decide that - despite all my shortcomings - I am feeding my children better than Betty, teaching my children better than Sally, disciplining my children better than Mary, and having more fun with my children than Lucy (you may imagine that Lucy is not much fun to be around at all!) - then I give myself a big old pat on the back and don't look at where I can and should change. I become paralysed by self-congratulation.

On the other hand, if all I can see is that Betty is teaching her children three languages; Mary has never let any artificial ingredient pass the lips of her five little treasures, ever; Sally sings songs and plays games with her children every day; and Lucy has certainly never let her children whine or scream - then I become paralysed by a sense of hopelessness because I can't hope to live up to those kinds of standards.

Most of us want to do the best we can with what we have, whether we have children or not. While we can learn and discern - learn from the successes and failures of those around us, and discern that certain practices are not right or wise - it is destructive to "compare ourselves among ourselves".

The measure of success is not where we are, but where we're going. Comparison paralysis is one of the most effective ways to stop us dead in our tracks - either through self-satisfaction or discouragement. Either because we see where we are right now as perfectly adequate (because others are so far behind us that we must be doing well), or because our destination seems unattainable (because others are so far ahead of us that we couldn't possibly catch up).

We can only live the life that we have been given. If we're busy watching where other people are going, we're sure to stumble or come to a complete stop. Looking out for the mistakes or successes of those around us simply blinds us to our own faults. My goal, when my stupid mind starts critiquing others, is to turn that critique inwards and ask myself - what insecurities and sins am I trying to hide in myself? If someone else's parenting style upsets me, it's a very loud alarm bell that I need to start paying a lot more attention to my personal inconsistencies. On the other hand, if I get totally discouraged because someone else seems to have it all together, then I need to examine whether my priorities are in keeping with my circumstances (teaching three languages is not in keeping with my present circumstances, but I certainly congratulate anyone out there who is teaching their kids three languages!). I also need to examine how much my priorities are being driven by concern about my image.

I truly believe that feeling self-satisfied and feeling inadequate are both forms of pride. Self-satisfaction reflects pride in doing better than someone else; a sense of inadequacy reflects the wounded pride of not living up to the standard we feel we should be able to achieve (go ahead, disagree with me!).

It's only natural as human beings that we will feel self-satisfied at times, and inadequate at other times. True satisfaction comes from knowing that we are working with what God gives us to grow; a sense of inadequacy can spur us on to work harder, reach higher, and depend on God to fill in the many gaps.

Instead of looking at the lives of others as a benchmark for my own success, I am trying to admire the admirable, and encourage and facilitate the growth of others by the way I live (easier said than done!!) and relate to my fellow human beings. Life isn't a race to the finish with one winner and a whole bunch of losers. The destination itself is the goal, not being the first or the best person to get there. If we let comparison paralysis take over, we won't get there at all, but if we focus on that end goal and a desire for everyone to reach it, we might even find ourselves helping others to get there as well.