Focus Fatigue and The Multi-tasking Myth

I've read a few forum discussions recently about coping with homeschooling if you're an introvert.  I've considered myself an introvert for many years now, but I was puzzling over this "diagnosis" after a morning meet-up with a friend.  I came home buzzing and ready for more social interaction...  And then I had an afternoon of social interaction and felt ready to collapse afterwards.  That day led me to question my own beliefs about myself - what fills me up and what empties me out.

I started to notice that my feelings of emotional exhaustion were coming from a different place than I had originally thought.  Over the last few weeks, I've come to a few conclusions which may be all about me and how my brain operates, but I suspect they will be true for many other people (perhaps especially other homeschooling mothers) as well.

For a long time I have attributed the feelings of utter exhaustion and "can't-wait-for-everyone-to-be-in-bed" at the end of the day (and, yes, often by the middle of the day!) to the demands of being a mother and on-call all the time, to everyone.  But I've started to realise that a lot of what I'm feeling is what I'll call "focus fatigue".  Often it's the days when I've actually snuck in a lot of "time to myself" that I feel the most run-down.  The days when I've told the older girls to "keep an eye on Baby" - while I do online shopping or participate in forums or read a book or try to get some precious sewing done - are those that most often end in disaster.

No, I'm not going to start preaching a sermon against "down time", but I've finally twigged that there is a part of me that is listening to the rest of the house - a part of me is crouched in anticipation of the inevitable interruptions.  And, for me, focusing on more than one task at a time leads to fatigue.  Yep, the idea that all women - and especially mothers - are good at multi-tasking is a myth that has definitely been busted in this house.

For a while I was listening to the radio a lot while preparing dinner or cleaning the kitchen.  Often while music practice was going on in the background.  And then someone would come and ask me a question.  The result:  immediate "frazzlement".  I just couldn't cope with all those inputs at once.  Between subconsciously listening for areas that the music practicer needed help, taking in the content of the radio program, calculating how many carrots would be needed for dinner if the toddler sitting at the bench had already eaten two and a half and keeping an eye on the school work going on (or not) at the kitchen table, my brain was already in overload.

I'm learning that if I cut down on inputs and give up some of those activities that were "for me" (listening to the radio, for example), I actually end up in a much healthier mental place.  If I can limit my focus to one or two things at a time, it's better for my relationships and my mental health.

That means pausing the carrot calculations to really listen to and answer a maths question. It means sitting down with Baby and reading a book or playing a game so I can send her away to play or shut her in her room for a few minutes while I throw together dinner without guilt.  It means just listening to the music practice - or listening while doing something that requires no mental effort like stirring a pot or kneading bread.

I've discovered incredibly that by choosing to give more completely of myself to my family - by sitting down and having a conversation or playing a game - instead of half-heartedly answering an endless list of questions while my mind is in another place - I have more energy at the end of the day for "my" stuff (assuming it still seems important by then, which it often doesn't!).

I'd like to point out a couple of things, though.  Firstly, this grand revelation has occurred at a time when there are no babies in the house, and I'm not pregnant.  I'm sure that if I was waking four or five times a night to feed a baby, or if my physical resources were all directed towards incubating a new human life, I would find just plain, ordinary life pretty much exhausting, even without unnecessary distractions.

Secondly, there is a framework of (theoretically reasonable) rules and expectations in our home.  When those rules are violated for any length of time (for example, everyone starts talking at once or someone tries to have a conversation with me by yelling from another room) I go pretty quickly from calm to my-brain-is-about-to-explode-crazy.  Which is when I have to remember that I'm an adult, take some slow, deep breaths and remind everyone (including myself) of the standards.

And one last thing helping the transformation to a less-crazy me is that I've put a bunch of expectations in writing for the older girls.  I hope to come back to this in another post, but I have finally worked out a system of setting a routine that is flexible enough to work around sickness and surprise phone calls and shopping, but rigid enough to require results.  This has particularly been helpful because the girls don't have to keep asking me what they need to do next.  My part in this still needs some more work because I think Miss Curie is ready to start working on some more long-term projects, but I feel like we're at least on track and good habits are in the making.

So am I an introvert?  Probably.  Maybe.  What I do know is that recognizing and cutting down on focus fatigue is helping me to ride the wave that is motherhood ...  instead of getting dumped by it.