You Are Not Enough

Yep.  You read that right.  You are not enough.  All the slick marketing companies are right about that (but wrong about everything else).  You're not good enough.

You will never be the smartest, funniest, kindest... or if by some miracle you are the one in six billion who is the best at something you do, it won't last.  Tomorrow, or next week, or next year, someone else will be smarter, funnier, kinder...

Meanwhile, you've got this great big gaping hole inside you and you can't fix it. 

So.

What next?

Are you going to spend your life letting that hole consume you from the inside out?  Are you going to spend your life eaten up by all the things that you can't do?  By all the things you're not good at?  Because let me tell you, there are a lot of things you're not good at and a looooot of people who are "better" than you.  It hardly seems like a good plan, does it?

So why do you let all the ridiculous expectations and false guilt pile up on top of you until you can't breathe?

I'm talking to myself as much as to anyone else.

Here's a better plan.  Go to the Place that you can get your brokenness fixed.  Go to the One who can fill up that hole with something that won't dissolve into an even bigger nothingness.

And then live a life that actually expresses your incredible and undying gratitude that even though you are not enough, Someone loves you enough to die so that you can live.

Go on, try it.

Smart Survival Parenting

We'll probably all experience at least a bout of survival parenting sometime.  I mean those times when you're just barely keeping your head above water.  Times when - if a visitor pops in unannounced - there is the distinct possibility that they will find a wet patch on one of your dining chairs (which you desperately hope was spilt from a drink of water, and not something else).  Times when the phrase "you could just..." strike you with both guilt and rage in equal measure.  Guilt that you're not doing what you could, and rage that others have no idea that you really couldn't just.

I've had some extended periods of survival parenting, when life's circumstances conspired together to make me feel like I was drowning in my own life.  One of those times was when I was up night after night for hours on end with Angelina screaming in pain.  I was pregnant with Chatterbox.  And then we all got a terrible gastro bug - while living for several weeks in a one bedroom "unit" with a bathroom that was a metre wide (no bath, of course) and a kitchen approximately the size of a single bed (no oven, of course).

I did what many, many desperate mothers have done before and since.  Morning and afternoon, I turned on Playschool.  (Don't worry, this is not going to turn into a rant against Playschool - bear with me.)  At first, my children didn't know that television existed apart from Playschool.  The TV would go off faithfully the moment it was finished.  Then, I started turning it on a liiiiitttle bit before Playschool started, and left it on for that teeny little program after Playschool.  And then I thought that one program was so teeny tiny, it wouldn't hurt to leave it on for the next one as well.

Then something happened.  I woke up.  My children were starting to simply exist.  They lived for when the TV was on.  They started to chuck hissy fits when I turned it off.  I suddenly realised that putting the kids in front of the TV wasn't helping me keep my head above water, it was dragging me under.  I'll come back to that.

Survival parenting is hard, by it's very nature.  But. It doesn't have to be bad.  In fact, smart survival parenting can be very, very good.  As I have learned through several episodes of st#p*d (stupid is a dirty word in our house) survival parenting.

Here are some of the best lessons I've learned through my survival parenting experiences.  They're not rules, and they may not fit your circumstances, but maybe there's something in my journey that will resonate with you.

1) Whenever possible, spare some of your energy for setting up systems to help your kids become independent and even helpful.  If you have zero energy, but help is available, you might suggest to your helpers that they teach your kids to make a sandwich or a salad or sushi...  Or you could ask them (if you're very brave) - or do this yourself - to rearrange your kitchen so plates and utensils are within easy reach of the children (if they're old enough to be trusted not to impale themselves on a butter knife).

2) Encourage reading.  Once one child is able to read well enough to follow directions, you can give them a recipe or write out a set of jobs for them to do, or let them learn through independent reading.  This has been a huge help for me.

3) Recognize strengths - and learn to use them!  I've learnt that Angelina is the best at hearing me call out - if I have a message to deliver, but am sick in bed, she's the one I call.  (I rarely bother to call Miss Curie - it takes less energy to go and find her and rouse her from whatever daydream she happens to be in the midst of :).)  If I want a job done without complaining, I ask Miss Curie.  If I want help with cooking, I ask Chatterbox.

4) Invest in discipline.  And I don't mean punishment, necessarily, although I do believe it is called for at times.  When you're barely surviving it is incredibly hard to put the necessary work into teaching children strong values, but it is soooo much better to force yourself to deal with issues such as meanness and lying straight away - to set the standard and stick to it doggedly - than to let things slide for a time.  I've done it both ways, and I'm slowly learning  that it is better for us to miss a meal than to "miss" an issue.

5) Following on from that: Expect everyone to contribute.  Don't make clean up optional - for example teach your kids (if you possibly can) how to wash dishes or load the dishwasher and set the expectation that it gets done after every meal (there are still some "gentle" reminders that have to happen in our house!).

6) Let go of stuff that doesn't matter.  For example cloth nappies don't get folded here, they get shoved in a box (I appreciate that for some folding may be necessary where there is limited storage space).  I also hang them up just by a corner (I know this wouldn't work in really damp climates).  (Again, these aren't rules, just examples of how I survive.)  Nor do I make any particular effort to remove stains from nappies - after all, they're just going back on a bottom!

7) On the other hand, hang on to the stuff that does matter.  First, most important thing here is Bible reading.  Yes, I'm human and get slack sometimes, but I really try to cling to this one and make sure I read (or discuss) Bible with the girls each and every day, regardless of what else is happening.

8) Be efficient and try to take small steps forward rather than procrastinating.  On those days when I feel like hibernating for several years, I try to choose one small thing to do.  That might be taking the bottle of (environmentally friendly, of course ;)) toilet cleaner in to the toilet with me so I clean the toilet after I've used it.  It might be wiping the bathroom sink after I've brushed my hair... I often find once I've taken that one small step past total paralysis, the rest get easier.

9) Get rid of junk.  Nowadays, if I find a toy (as long as it's not something really special such as the doll quilts made by my cousin and aunt) left out by one of the bigger kids, I chuck it or op shop it.  Ditto if I discover trinkets that have lived at the back of a drawer for several years, unless I have a use for them straight away.  Ditto if I don't like the way an item of clothing fits and it's not practical to adjust it.  Ditto if a toy hasn't been played with in forEVER (we're members of the toy library, so we can always borrow something similar).  This includes lollies that we're given that I don't want my kids to eat.  I just throw them away now.  It is SO not worth letting stuff drain your precious energy.

10) Now that I've made it all the way to nine points, I feel like I should have a tenth.  Here we go.  Don't let yourself get weighed down with other people's expectations - including the expectation to have exactly ten tips on any given subject.

One last suggestion - try not to depend on one child as your helper.  If there is one kid in the house who is always helpful and agreeable, it's easy to place unreasonable burdens on them - don't let this happen - make sure everyone pulls their weight in whatever ways they can.  (It's nerve-wracking, now that we have a tiled kitchen floor, but I even get Baby to help load/unload the dishwasher sometimes.)

Don't be afraid of survival parenting - the experience can be one of incredibly positive growth and strengthening relationships for the whole family.  The trick is, whoever you are, whatever your circumstances, search out ways to be smart about it.  If it's important, it's possible.  If it's impossible, it's not important.

There's a Better Way to Do This

Often when I write, I add a lot of qualifiers - "if", "perhaps", "maybe"... Not today. I'm just going to say it right out: there's a better way to do this.

By "this" I mean health. I've had some ups and downs with my health recently, as has the Raamonster. Doctors have a very one-eyed view of miscellaneous aches and pains and fatigue. They tend to do a lot of tests and then say something along the lines of: "eat less, exercise more, and take these drugs." Just to emphasis the point, Specialists like to send you a very large bill for the privelege of receiving this advice from a professional.

I'm all for plenty of exercise and a healthy diet. I'm troubled by what gets defined as a healthy diet (or, in fact, a healthy body) when you delve a little deeper. I'm particularly troubled that (supposedly) health-promoting organizations get paid for their endorsements of foods. Surely it is a conflict of interest for medical research to be funded by food companies??

So, I want to cut through all the confusion about what's healthy and what's not. I'm not completely unqualified to voice my opinion on this - I majored in Biochemistry not so many years ago.

It is really very, very simple. Real food and real life are good for you. Fake food and fake life are not. Seriously. Let me explain.

God put Adam and Eve in the garden and told them that every green thing was theirs for food. Yes, some plants are poisonous, but with very few exceptions if something tastes good, comes from a plant and is recognisable - it is good to eat. Sugar tastes good, it comes from a plant, and it looks nothing like the original product. (I'm not saying I don't eat sugar, but I'm really, really trying to cut down.) Sugar is not good for you.

Let me add another guideline - the amount you eat of any food should be inversely proportional to the effort (whether yours or someone else's) required to get it into your mouth. That sounds really complicated, but it's not. If we had to pick and shell our own macadamias, we wouldn't eat many, would we? If we had to pick, shell, blanch and grind by hand the almonds in a yummy cake (not to mention extract the sugar), we would probably make a slice last more than thirty seconds... And we would probably eat it approximately once a year.

And here's another suggestion - if I can't make a food easily at home myself, then it's probably not really edible. I'm not sure how the oil is extracted from canola, but I'm pretty sure I couldn't make my own press and then whip up a batch of margarine. If I could, the results would probably be so revolting that I would never ever eat it again.

Here's another principle: If God says it's good to eat, then it's good to eat. If God says it's not good to eat, then it's not. I'm not sure why we're so distrusting of God's guidance on this point, considering He made both us and our food. "A land flowing with milk and honey," was God's promise to Israel, ergo, milk and honey aren't inherently evil. Jesus Christ called Himself the Bread of Life - so it is downright insulting to God to insist that grain products are inherently evil unhealthy.

On the other hand, God said not to eat certain animals (He even used the word "abomination", which is also the word used for behaviours so vile they are unmentionable in a public blog.) So I don't eat them. I don't need scientific proof that pork or shark or squid are bad for me. God tells me not to eat them. Done.

OK, there is a problem here. The reality is that there are people with serious allergies or intolerances to real foods. Unfortunately a large proportion of our food supply has been seriously adulterated in the quest to "improve" yields, or flavour, or just to make a whole lot more money.
So sometimes even "real" foods aren't the best to eat, but we can at least use some common sense to choose the best alternative (e.g. soy milk loaded with canola and sugar is hardly the ideal dairy replacement).

My point is, we've placed far too much trust in professionals telling us what is good for us and stopped actually thinking for ourselves about what is going into our mouths. No matter how many ticks are on a box, or what claims a producer makes about something being "natural" or "organic", there is no substitute for listening to our better judgement. If a packaged food is "convenient" then there is a good chance that there is a big compromise on the quality of calories in the product.

The last thing I'm going to say for now - simple foods can be convenient (although I know this may not be true if you have the misfortune to have coeliac disease or another food sensitivity/intolerance/allergy or metabolic disorder). For example oats or porridge and milk (we drink the closest to "real" we can get - unhomogenised "organic" milk) is just as convenient as cornflakes, and a much healthier, more filling option. Add a piece of fruit and you have a complete breakfast.

Healthy is not just a way of eating, it's a way of thinking. More to come another time...

Bedtime Battles

OK. She wins. Baby is officially the. most. difficult. toddler. in our family to put to bed.

Let me offer proof with an example. The other night. Put Baby (otherwise known affectionately as "Monster" - I've been calling her that a lot the last couple of weeks.) to bed at a reasonable hour and sat down at my desk to attend to bills, etc. Within approximately thirty seconds she was out of bed.

She stood in the doorway, poised to run - waited for me to look her in the eye and then legged it back to bed. This is a frequent occurence. In case you don't understand the use of the word "frequent" this often happens ten or more times in an evening. The administration of firm "consequences" appears not to be a deterrent to this behaviour.

Finally the other night, I got smart and shut the door after I put her back to bed. Immediately - and I mean immediately, I heard the unmistakable sounds of a nappy being removed. This is what we call emotional blackmail. However, I was going to be smarter than the toddler. With steely resolve I held my ground and did not rush in to restore the nappy to its rightful place. Once Monster eventually fell asleep (as she surely would), then I would put the nappy back on. That was my plan.

I was reminded of my plan at two in the morning when I woke to the sound of Monster bellowing, "MuuuuuuuMMMYYYY! MuuuuuuMMMMYYYY! I do wees!!!" Yes, she surely won. The Baby lured me into her room once again to deal with a very, very wet bed and to put back on the nappy.

Moments after I stumbled back to my own bed, there was a pitter-pat of feet and a small person appeared at my bedside. Foiled again - I had foolishly left her bedroom door open.

I keep saying, that kid is SOOOO lucky that's she's really cute.

Exercise - It CAN Be Done!

About six years ago, the Raamonster and I went for a bike ride with the only two kids we had at the time. I remember being completely exhausted and totally unmotivated to repeat the experience any time soon.

I rode to the same spot recently... and then way past it with Baby on the back of my bike and the three older girls riding ahead of me. Many thoughts went through my head as I cruised past the playground we visited so many years ago. The main one was I can't believe how unfit I was!

What's exciting is that now I am finally getting fit and healthy again. I was going to say that it all started four weeks ago, but no, it all started six months ago. My lovely, energetic, and awesome friend at Strollerobics demonstrated just by her great example that it is important to be as healthy as we can and that it can be done. And hey, if I can do it, anyone (barring insurmountable obstacles such as being bed-bound) can do it.

It took me a while to really get going - for a while I was jogging on the spot while hanging out the washing or finding ways to exercise before the kids got up in the morning, but then I dropped the ball. Now, though I have well and truly picked it up again. An important part of picking up that ball was realising that I'm not just responsible for my personal fitness, but my kids' fitness as well.

So, while the weather is fine, we're going to the park most mornings (a couple of days we've been for bike rides, we went to a nature reserve once and we've also been swimming a couple of times instead) right after Bible time. At the park, the girls have been riding their bikes around or running around and playing while I run/walk around the perimeter and do the occasional push up or sit up.

For ages I've made excuses for myself about why getting fit is too hard. Admittedly, a pregnancy can always throw a spanner in the works (at least that's an excuse I don't have at the moment!). But I finally realised it was time to ditch the excuses and find something that would work.

If you're unfit and full of excuses like I was, it helps to look at what is important and what can be done. Going to the gym before my husband leaves for work is unachievable and undesirable for me for many reasons (I really struggle with early mornings, the cost is prohibitive, etc, etc.) Getting outside as much as possible is important for me because my mental health suffers if I don't spend time outside in the sun regularly.

Taking a good hard look at my reality and what really matters helped me to get out of my rut (plus the positive influence of that wonderful friend!). And, importantly - trying stuff was a huge step in the right direction. I tried a few mornings to go for a run early in the morning - I enjoyed the benefits of better sleep and improved energy levels, but soon realised I couldn't possibly sustain the 5.30 or 6.00 am start necessary to keep this up. Even though I realised that that wasn't going to work, I suddenly found myself motivated to find something that would work.

So if you're stuck in the sedentary rut - just try something to get moving - you may well find (like me) that the more you try, the more you start looking for ways to make fitness work and the more open you are to possibilities. It's OK to start small - I'm exercising longer and harder than I was to start with, and feeling the benefits (apart from some knee problems that I'll have to learn to work around :().

Truly - it can be done - why don't you give it a try and tell me how you go?

They Learn What You Teach Them (Even when you don't think you're teaching them anything)

I had an "aha" moment the other day. I suddenly had a profound realisation of how deeply we influence our children when we're just... living.

It was watching my oldest daughter cuddle up to her great-grandmother on her bed in the nursing home. She was stroking "Oma's" arm and gazing lovingly at her. It was a beautiful moment - especially when I realised that sometimes we parents (by the grace of God) get something right when raising our children.

I was wondering why this oldest daughter of mine is so affectionate towards the elderly. One of her favourite parts of a recent trip up to Queensland with her grandparents was the time she spent with a senior friend of the family. As I was pondering, I suddenly remembered that for a short time while Miss Curie was a baby we made regular visits to a nursing home that was very close to our house at the time. I felt at the time that I needed to do something useful, and taking my baby to a nursing home seemed like a good idea - so I did. When she was just 13 months old we moved and the nursing home visits ended, but it seems that the effects were permanent.

At the time of those visits I had a vague idea that this was a good way to bring up my little girl to be loving and accepting of people no matter what they look like, but I had completely forgotten about it since then... Until I watched her cuddling her beloved Oma as she had done so many times before.

Maybe I'm placing too much significance on those nursing home visits... Come to think of it, we were also making regular visits to hospital around that time because Oma was seriously unwell.
Maybe Miss Curie would have been like that anyway. Maybe... And maybe her sensitivity to smells and tastes has nothing to do with my Dad opening all 32 of the spice jars in our spice rack one at a time and holding them under her nose while telling her the name of each spice - when she was three months old. Maybe. But I'm starting to be convinced that our kids learn what we teach them - especially when we don't think we're teaching them anything at all.

If It Really Matters...

I have a confession to make. I'm pedantic. As a result, I have a pet hate of snappy sayings. One of my most disliked is: "there's no such thing as can't" or "nothing's impossible".

When someone says either of those to me, I really feel like saying something like: "so you're saying I'm just not trying hard enough to sprout purple feathers and fly to the moon?" Obviously there are many things that I can't do - that are impossible - such as give birth to a walrus (OK, so maybe science will get there one day, but I really doubt it) or turn everything I touch into mouldy cheese, or turn a raging cyclone into a mild summer breeze.

What is true, is what the Bible says: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." I like that much, much better - mainly because it's God's word, not something that impatient adults make up to get kids to try harder. (Yes, I know that many people say these things with the best of intentions and I really do appreciate that, but let's stick to telling kids the things that are really true.)

I paraphrase that as: "if it's really important, it can be done. If it can't be done, it's not really important." I have to warn you, though, that only works if you're relying on God's strength instead of your own. God does let us fall flat on our faces and fail at the truly important things to teach us to rely on him (that all important phrase: "through Christ who strengthens me"). How do I know? Because it's happened to me. I've failed at being patient or kind to my husband or children because I was leaning on my own pitiful strength. I know that patience and kindness matter because the Bible says so.

The thing is, we can live our lives full of angst over all the important things that seem impossible... or over the impossible things that seem important... Or we can let go of our own ideas of important and impossible and let God decide what really needs to be done. Not just in the moments of despair and desperation, but every moment of every day.

The results are sure to be awesome.