How It's All Going

So what is life really like homeschooling with four young children - one being a newborn? Well... I can't tell you that, because we're on holidays right now!

Seriously, you know how it is when people say "how are you?" - generally I answer in one or two words, that encapsulate my mood at that particular moment. Usually my automatic answer is "good"... unless I'm very tired!

This is the more detailed answer for anyone out there who might be interested. Let's see...

Baby is sleeping well. This is Very Good. I would really like it if she would sleep, like, eight hours at a stretch (at night!), but I'm quite happy to settle for three (gotta be realistic!). That is Much Better than what we have had to deal with at times with the other three girls. Despite the bliss of three hours sleep at a time, I'm still tired, but hey, that's just life. It's just a stage (I think) until I get old enough to have insomnia. :)

Baby is mostly quite content and settled when she is awake and being cuddled by me. She's not so happy being cuddled by her sisters... but maybe that's something to do with the way they poke her eyes. :) She doesn't mind being on the floor (the compulsory "tummy time" commanded by Those In Authority - according to them all development happens in this position) - for a short period of time. Again, all to be expected. She is starting to smile and coo, which makes me absolutely melt. I have to say that I feel like I'm appreciating Baby more than I did the others because I really understand now how quickly the years pass. When the others were younger, I had loads of older people tell me that those early years slip away, but I think it's one of those things you don't really get until you've lived it for a while.

Our family and friends have been just fantastic in providing all kinds of support - taking the older girls on outings, cooking us meals, doing shopping... I really appreciate how thoughtful so many people have been.

Personally, I have to admit, I'm struggling with fatigue. Not exactly physical fatigue, but emotional exhaustion from the constant output required to keep our household running. It's the things that only I can do that can wear me out at times. Only I can be a mother to my children - no one else can substitute at the end of the day. No matter how many other people listen to my children, teach them, and nurture them - they still want me to listen to them, teach them and nurture them. It is something that I want to do, and that, in theory, I love to do. It's not a job I'm looking to outsource, but it is quite draining. I think the emotional "wear and tear" comes from that intense desire to do a good job, conflicting with the reality of my human frailties. How thankful I am that God fills the gaps! As an introvert, I find the sustained chatter that my girls enjoy exhausting. Actively listening to them is hard work! Having said all that, it is worthwhile work, and I think there are still areas that I'm "wasting" emotional energy on trivia, instead of committing it to the really important things.

When I think about the the challenges that other people have faced in their lives - war, starvation, abuse, chronic pain, and the like - I can feel hopelessly inadequate. It seems quite pathetic to find anything hard in my middle-class life, but ... well, I can't make my brain stop feeling tired. I can be positive and resist the great enemy of discouragement and work on being the best that I can be with God pushing me along.

There are days when I feel discouraged and overwhelmed. There are many days when I feel disappointed that I'm not investing as much in the girls' lives as I would like. There are SO many things that I want to teach them yesterday. Not academic facts, but things about life, the universe and everything. I think those feelings are a bit like getting knocked over by a big wave - rather than fighting desperately against a force far more powerful than myself, I need to just let it pass and then get my head back above water.

Anyway, for the most part I'm at peace and content with where life is, but I wanted to share some of these thoughts for others who might be in a similar place. Often the picture other people see of our lives is all bright and shiny and seemingly perfect - the reality is something much more tired, and worn, and imperfect.

And with that I will say good night!