I have a confession to make - I don't read Chatterbox three books a day. Some days I don't even read her one! Shhh - don't tell Mem Fox, will you?
This post has been rolling around in my head for ages. I forgot to put the bread in the oven earlier, so now, while I'm up waiting for the bread to cook, I figured I might as well spit it out.
Mem Fox is not the only person out there with great ideas about Stuff You Should Do With Your Kids. And don't get me wrong, I'm all for reading to children. I'm also all for singing to them, and teaching them a language, and getting them out in the garden, and taking them for walks, and cooking with them, and teaching them table manners, and early potty training (or, even better, elimination communication), and extended breast-feeding, and large families, and praying together, and eating meals together, and teaching them to work, and teaching them to manage money from a young age, and teaching them to swim, and getting them involved in team sports, and in serving the community as a family... Need I go on? Do you start to see where I'm going with this?
I have days when I get really weighed down with guilt over all the worthwhile things that I'm not doing with my kids on a regular basis. Let me examine what that guilt is really about. Do I believe that early potty training will have a long-lasting benefit on my child's character and emotional well-being? No. Do I believe that stopping breast-feeding two weeks before Chatterbox turned two is going to substantially limit her potential? No. Do I believe that my children will all drown in the bathtub if they don't learn to swim by the age of eight? No. Do I believe that my children will grow up unable to interact with others if they are not involved in team sports and community service right now? No. If I analyse all those points above, I find the answers are much the same.
So why do I feel guilty? Oh, hang on, it's not really guilt at all, is it? I'm worried about my IMAGE. I want my kids to make ME look good to others! Someone out there is going to think that I've failed because I gave up breastfeeding Miss Curie when she was only thirteen months old. Someone out there will think I'm totally slack for bumming around at home instead of taking the kids swimming. Someone out there will be disgusted that Angelina can't catch a ball. Someone out there will think that I'm doing something really wrong when Chatterbox chucks a wobbly in the supermarket.
WOAH! Back up there! Doesn't it mean my discipline is failing if my kids misbehave? Not necessarily - it means they're human and sometimes think "I want that shiny stuff and I'm gonna get it, and hang the consequences". More or less.
Side note here - I am NOT a perfect parent. I've got lots that needs to change. My discipline DOES often fail. But my kids' behaviour at any given moment is not a barometer of my success or failure as a parent.
I'm not writing this post because I ascribe to the "I'm OK, you're OK, we're all OK" philosophy. NO WAY! Quite the opposite, in fact. It is SO not OK for me to base my parenting decisions on how they make ME look. I need to get over myself. Whatever I do, I'm going to look bad to someone. My decisions as a parent need to be based on solid biblical principles. I need to do what's right because it's what GOD wants and what will build CHARACTER in my children, not because it will make me look good.
The bible is surprisingly devoid of statements along the lines of "thou shalt engage thy child in 4.5 hours of extracurricular activities per week" This "deficit" of specific intstructions doesn't take away from my responsibility as a parent. It adds to my responsibility. I have to make a judgement based on biblical principles as to what are the greatest needs in the lives of my children.
A couple of years ago now we started down the road of trying to track down the cause of Angelina's eczema. In retrospect I would have to say that the harder I tried to fix it, the worse it got. In retrospect, I would also have to say that my search for answers was triggered by FEAR of what other people would think of me if I did "nothing". Looking back I think some of the dietary restrictions exacerbated the problem, possibly due to - *gulp* - malnutrition. I'm not intending to launch into a medical analysis, but that experience was a disturbing example of me putting my personal image ahead of true righteousness and truly responsible parenting.
I guess I don't mind after all if you tell Mem Fox I don't read Chatterbox three books a day. I reckon she'll understand anyway, but even if she doesn't, that's not my problem. Now I'd better be a responsible parent and go to bed so I'm ready to greet Chatterbox with a smile at 6am tomorrow morning.
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6 comments:
I agreed with this post on so many levels. It was a lightbulb moment to realise that no matter what we do - somebody is always going to think we are doing it wrong.
It's one of the things that I've always maintained that there is not just one right way to homeschool, there are many. It's not even a one size fits all solution within homeschooling. I think the same thing can be applied to our Christian walk - there will always be other people - especially other Christians who don't think we are being a Christian the right way (I'm not talking about being sinful here, I'm talking about the ways in which we relate to God etc). I don't think our Christian life should be lived out in order to "please others" or meet the standards of other Christians either.
oops! Forgot to add the link to Guilt Free Homeschooling, thought it might also be relevant!
http://guiltfreehomeschooling.org/blog/
This is such insightful stuff. I agree with you wholeheartedly that our "guilt" about these things is very often more about our insecurities over how we appear to others. However, I venture to add that we also have a tendency to lose perspective in the process. So maybe you're feeling guilty over how long you didn't breastfeed Miss Curie, or how many stories you haven't read to Chatterbox today, but someone else who breastfeeds til their kids are four or reads five stories a day is probably looking at you thinking "I wish I could get my kid to like eating vegetables!" You're doing a great job with your girls, so take heart. xo
P.S. As for Angelina's eczema, I'm not going to discount what you're saying. Obviously you know what your internal dialogue was. But I do wonder if you might also have been motivated by self-doubt? i.e. thinking that maybe the problem really was worse than you felt it was, and maybe the answers *were* out there if you just went looking for them. I don't know. Just pondering...
Oh yes Fliztea, I think parenting has just highlighted an issue that has always been there for me. It's very easy to become the hypocrite who makes very big public donations to a charity (or whatever we think will impress/please others), rather than focusing on what's going on on the inside. And there are so many ideas out there about how we should worship that have nothing to do with the bible.
And thanks for the encouragement, Nat! Yes, there's a lot to be said for losing perspective. I believe an important antidote is not treating parenting as a competition, but working towards lifting up others as we are learning ourselves.
You're right, there was some self-doubt involved in dealing with Angelina's eczema - all lessons learned along the way, and thankfully she survived!
Thanks for your comments and the link! :)
Fliztea told me about this post, and I realised I hadn't read it yet. So .. here I am. :)
You've hit the nail on the head, I think, with lots of good examples.
We know we shouldn't measure ourselves, our parenting, our families, our marriages, our beliefs, our homeschooling .... against anybody else as there's only one true measuring rod.
Yet, foolishly, I did find myself doing that when we had our firstborn. I was INVITING advice, with all the confusing wisdom and biases, forgotten trials and sweetened examples of 'perfect parenting'. I did, so much, want to be 'accepted' and seen to be doing the right thing, but it was only serving confusion and 'self doubt' (as Nat said).
I truly think that it was when we decided to take the homeschooling route, with no support from most friends, and felt so sure that this was our best option ... taking that first step independantly measured with some confidence, that I first started learning the lesson you posted about.
Our priorities isn't about no. of books read, etc. It's about giving our children the love and time they need to be nurtured/ comforted and strengthened within, so they can take on new challenges and cope with the trials of adulthood. It's looking at the BIG picture of how they will be serving God and knowing Him. (ooops, I'm just repeating your post, sorry!)
To me, in quick summary, this about building the foundations in them whilst they are young; and teaching them so they can teach themselves.
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