Four Things I Don't Want to Tell You

While I've written before that homeschooling is not who I am, it still shapes a big part of my life.  If you're a homeschooler - even the most radical unschooler - I'm pretty sure you know what I mean.

There are many things that I do because my children aren't sitting in a traditional classroom in a traditional school.  Some are awesome (like asking one of the kids to prepare dinner and then walking away), some are survival instincts (like locking my bedroom door when I'm on the phone).  There are also many things I don't do because my kid aren't in a traditional classroom.  Some I don't miss at all (like sitting in school traffic).  Others...  Well, that's kind of what this post is about.

Whether you're a homeschooler or not, there are some conversations that I long to have with all my heart, but I'm held back by the things I don't want to tell you.  Except today I'm putting it out there so if others are feeling this way and also don't know how to explain to anyone, maybe you'll feel a teeny tiny bit of support from across cyber space.

1) I don't want to tell you I feel utterly inadequate. Almost. Every. Day.
I don't make it to Mums-only evenings very often and I'm wary of having this conversation with my kids around (remember, they're pretty much there 24/7).  I remember what I used to do at school.  And my kids aren't doing it.  Mostly it's because we don't want them to, but as the days, months and years slip away, I start to wonder if my kids should be churning out reams of (pointless) writing like I used to.  Am I too easy on them? Am I too hard on them?  Do we do enough academics?  Do I give them enough individual attention?  The list of questions goes on. And on.  And on.  But if I tell you this, you might politely suggest (you'll say it with your face, even if you don't with your words) that I could just send my children to the professionals.  And there is no tactful way to answer that.  What I think of the current education system is becoming less and less... tolerant.  I'm pretty sure you'll be offended if I respond truthfully, because deep down I probably think you're kids shouldn't be in the system either.

2) I don't want to tell you I feel overwhelmed.
The pressure of being fully responsible for the well being of five other humans beings, day in and day out can be brutal. When I really tackle those feelings honestly, I realize that part of this is pride and arrogance.  God's grace covers a multitude of my sins, mistakes and inadequacies.  For which I'm eternally grateful.  But once in a while I would like to have a "normal" conversation about this feeling of being overwhelmed.  However, you may be tempted again to give that "obvious" answer (send them to school), and I may offend in response.

3) I don't want to tell you I'm exhausted.
If your kids go to school, you may not realize just how much work five kids being at home every day is.  They go to the toilet here.  Not at school.  They sharpen their pencils here. Not at school.  All our learning resources are here.  Not at school.  And I don't have a janitor.  Like a school does.  Thankfully, our girls do a lot around the house.  They are pretty good at cleaning up after themselves.  But sometimes, when Poppy needs help with her Maths, and Ivy with her piano practice, Cinnamon wants to show me where she's up to in her book, Pepper needs to use the toilet and Marigold is already in there... Yep.  I'm exhausted.  But I don't want to tell you, because you can't possibly understand why I would choose to do this to myself... After all, if I just sent the kids to school...

4) I don't want to tell you I'm lonely.
Because I have people all around me all day every day.  We're building awesome family relationships.  How can I possibly feel so desperately lonely?  I don't want to tell you because you're probably thinking if it's so hard, well, I should just stop.  But I'm not going to stop unless God brings me to that point.  And so I'm lonely, because for the most part, I'm doing this alone.  I've got some awesome encouraging friends who I love and appreciate more than I can express.  But the opportunities to deeply connect with them in the midst of everything else are extremely rare.  Connecting with other adults while on this parenting/homeschooling journey is difficult in ways I can't even begin to express in words. And so I just don't want to tell you about it.

And yet, for all those hard bits, I am truly, awesomely thankful that I get to take this amazing journey through life with the Raamonster and our five little flowers (although some of them are getting so big now, they're practically going to seed :)).  There is a lot of hard.  But I'm pretty sure I've said before, hard is not bad.  It's just hard.  The feelings of inadequacy and overwhelmth and exhaustion and loneliness are all opportunities for growth.  I'm trying to make sure that I actually grow, by the grace of God.

We Won't Be Keeping Christmas

I've never celebrated Christmas.  To most people, not observing a day that has become an integral part of our culture seems ... strange, especially in a professing Christian. 

But most people now know about the pagan origins of Christmas, right?  Most people know that Christmas didn't start with Jesus Christ.  Many have the mistaken idea that they can borrow a pagan festival, put Christ's name in it, and it's all good.  But does the Bible endorse pagan festivals?  Does the Bible say that anything with Christ's name on it is good... no matter what the "thing" is?  God did get pretty angry at the Israelites when they started observing pagan festivals and borrowing pagan customs - why would we think He has changed?  Would Jesus Christ have encouraged His followers to celebrate His birth on Christmas day?

If we truly want to worship God the Father and Jesus Christ, we need to do so in "Spirit and Truth", acknowledging that GOD alone is the author of Truth.  If it's not His Truth, it's not truth at all.

There are many more things I could say, but someone else has already said it, better here.

Gray and Not Ashamed

"Your hair is silver on top and brown on the bottom, " a little girl at church observed a couple of days ago.  Yup, it won't be many more hair cuts before I'm gray all over (although "silver" sounds nicer!).

"I wish I had your courage," said a lady twice my age, "but it [gray hair] doesn't suit me, you see."  To which I say (in my head) something along the lines of "Pfffft, whatever."

Seriously, though, at less than forty, it's not easy to let nature take its course, especially when I get asked if my children are my grandchildren!  Gray hair is way more alternative than eating organic or cloth nappies.  I don't actually set out to be weird and different, but this is something I feel really strongly about.  I'm not "having a go" at what other people choose to do with their hair, but I'd like to free other women my age (and a lot older) from feeling like they have to maintain an illusion of youth by covering up gray hair. 

The Bible says:

The glory of young men is their strength,
And the splendor of old men is their gray head. (Proverbs 20:29)

and 

The silver-haired head is a crown of glory,
If it is found in the way of righteousness. (Proverbs 16:31)

In other words, the natural aging process is not something to be ashamed of or hidden.  If God thinks gray hair can be awesome, who are we to argue?  (On the other hand, an elderly person who has gained no wisdom in their lifetime and continually makes foolish decisions has to be one of the saddest people on the planet.)

I'm choosing not to cover up the physical aging process.  I'll do my best to stay fit and healthy so I can best serve my family and community, but rather than hide behind colour from a bottle, I'm trying to make sure my character growth keeps up with my graying hair.  May my "silver-haired head" be found in the "way of righteousness"!

Is Carbon Dioxide Really The Problem?

The climate change discussion brings me to tears.  Literally.  I'm probably not going where you think I am with this, so please read on.

What causes me pain is not the conflict about who or what causes changing climate conditions, although the older I get the more I hate conflict.  What hurts is all the things that aren't being said.  Things like: what really matters is not the planet we are living on, but all the other people who are living here with us.  Things like: the choices we make impact other people around us - near and far - and every. single. one. of those people matters. An actual human being, possibly a child, is making the fabulous "eco friendly" (ahem) stuff, which may well be full of toxic chemicals in order to make it energy-saving.  That person matters.  Things like: any decision we make that costs a piece of someone else's life or livelihood is wrong, whether the byproduct is carbon dioxide or ... something else toxic.

I hate how the terms "eco friendly" and "carbon offset" and "energy efficient" have become marketing tools that play on our guilt about hurting the planet... while people are suffering.  Is carbon dioxide really the problem when coal-fired power plants pump out all kinds of poisons other than carbon dioxide into the air and farm run-off and industrial byproducts pollute our waterways?  How about we just learn to live with less stuff?  How about we learn to be a little less comfortable?  How about we stop buying "conveniences" that poison the men, women, and children making them?  If we focus simply on trying not to hurt other people with our selfish indulgences, then I'm 99% sure we would cut carbon dioxide emissions down a heap.  On the other hand, if we simply try to cut down carbon dioxide emissions a heap, I'm pretty sure we'll still hurt a whole bunch of other human beings with our selfish indulgences.

Yep, there are a whole bunch of fingers here pointing straight back at me.  I've gone round in circles trying to buy the "right" stuff, when really, I just need to buy less of it.  Even (gulp) books. 

I try to buy local.  I try to walk instead of drive.  We have solar (although I'm not convinced that it's that awesome - how much energy goes into making those solar cells (shipped from overseas, by the way), and what toxic byproducts result from the process?)  But in the end, my decisions need to be based on how my life is impacting others as a whole.  Am I living a life of greed and self-indulgence?  Or am I trying to give in a meaningful way, wherever and whenever I can?  If the value of my life becomes all about my carbon footprint, then I'm missing a whole lot of other important stuff.

As a follower of Jesus Christ, I'm convinced that what this world needs is not merely for peoples' behaviour to change, but for their hearts to change.  Without a change of heart in all the people of the world, the climate situation is hopeless.  And to be honest, I just can't see that the biggest problem this world has (to put it overly simplisticly) is the temperature.  Children all over the world (even prosperous western nations) are being abused, exploited and trafficked in ways that defy belief.  Unborn children are being cut into pieces inside their own mothers' wombs at the consent of their own mothers... to the extent that the annihilation of the unborn is booming business.  The poorest and most vulnerable people of the world are being manipulated into gambling away the little they have for the profit of big investors.  Somehow I can't see how prolonging the "life" of the earth should be a priority over these crimes against humanity.

When my husband looked into "ethical investments" they were all focused on companies that were "environmentally friendly".  My blood boils to think that apparently so few people care about the impact of their investments on actual human beings - an "ethical" investment may exploit children and the poor, but at least it leaves a small carbon footprint?  Seriously?!

I guess you can probably tell I'm angry and sad.  More than anything, the sad wins.  I ache for the change that Jesus Christ alone can bring.  In the meantime, I'm striving to live my life in a way that gives others a tiny glimpse of just what that change will mean.  This is not about a philosophical question of who or what controls the weather and how (and by the way, in the end, I'm convinced that God has way more power than we puny human beings have the arrogance to credit ourselves with):  this is about what's more important to me - God's people or my stuff?

Mind Your Manners!

Our oldest three girls have been away  with grandparents for the weekend, so the Raamonster and I have been home with just Baby.  Over those few days we've noticed that we still have to remind her to say please and thank you.

So, we're giving her a bit more encouragement to say them without being reminded by saying "no" to any request not accompanied by a "please", or taking things away when she forgets to say "thank you".  This seems to be rectifying the problem very quickly... and with minimal conflict.

In the process, I'm finding I'm paying more attention to how I speak to her.  Generally these kinds of situations highlight the fact that I'm not setting the example that I should.  Thankfully, I'm actually finding that the habit that I established very early in my days of parenting has stuck.  I do say please and thank you... Unfortunately, on the other hand, I often find myself using a tone of voice bordering on whining when the girls haven't been listening to me.  Not such a good habit!

Anyway, thinking about all this has reminded me of the importance of treating our children as people from day one.  Yes, as a parent I am in authority and they need to learn to do what I ask.  BUT, as the adult, I need to set the standard of respect for their personhood.  My kids have less authority, but they are not of less value than me as people.  How I speak to them sends a message every day about their value as people.  Now you may be thinking that saying "please" and "thank you" confuses children because they think you are making a suggestion or that a request is optional.  I have a simple solution - if there is a delayed reaction, I simply say (but still hopefully in a kind voice) "that's an instruction, not a request" (even very young children soon learn what that means!).

There are times when a firmer tone of voice or less polite wording is warranted, but overall I think the big thing us parents need to remember is that we're in charge of our children, we are responsible for their well-being, but we are not more important than them... And so, as a loving example to them, we need to mind our manners.

(Not) Back To School - The First Week

The learning that happens out of school hours :)

This week has been the beginning of our "formal" school year.  Over the summer we keep up a bit of routine with continuing music practice and copywork as well as morning Bible reading, which is a permanent fixture no matter where we are and what we're doing (with the very occasional exception).  That way going "back to school" doesn't seem like such a painful transition.

For the last couple of years, I have written out a list of school work and chores for each day of the week on an index card, with a column for each week so they can tick off each thing as it's done.  Handwriting these takes quite a bit of time - it would be way quicker to print something out - but I quite enjoy the process.  More recently, I've started writing the things I'm not so sure about in pencil, so if something is too much or I want to change the order, I can just erase stuff and move it around.  Activities like Bible and music practice are down in pen because they won't change in a hurry.

Every day includes prayer and individual and family Bible reading, hymn singing (although this happens not-quite-daily since it depends on if I feel up to playing the accompaniment.  Theoretically, we sing the same hymn every day for a week so we learn it really well), piano and violin practice, scripture copywork (the same scripture every day for a week, which means the scripture is memorised by the end of the week), and Calculadder (a maths drill). Oh, and I'm also trying this term to do a little bit of German each day to give the girls a little more exposure - I'm making that a part of our lunchtime routine.  We managed four days out of five this week, which is a pretty good start!

Monday started pretty gently - I had family shopping and cooking down on the lists, but decided to ditch the shopping for this week, since it wasn't necessary.  And rather than preparing a whole meal together, I just had everyone cutting up peaches from our tree for stewing, so that didn't take long.

Monday is also the day I have scheduled to give each of the three older girls a piano lesson.  Setting a time for each of them on a set day means that the piano lessons actually happen each week.  Before I set aside that time, they just weren't happening consistently and daily practice tended to fall by the wayside as well.  For our family music is as important as maths and english.  Our girls all have some natural talent; the Raamonster and I both play musical instruments and enjoy singing and making up our own songs - and so we see this as a way our family can serve others.  For that reason, we put a lot of time and effort into music practice.

I try to "attach" group learning activities to lunch time.  This helps me to stay organised and is the easiest way to have everyone together in one place without interrupting individual work.  Monday's group learning is some kind of history reading.  This week we started "God's Dangerous Book", which is all about the Bible's history.  The beginning is a bit dry, but hopefully it will get more interesting...    Each of the girls had a bit of extra maths to work on on Monday.  Singapore for Miss Curie (still working her way through book 5A), timestables for Angelina, and a grade one workbook from Kmart for the Chatterbox.  I also got Miss Curie to write a little about what we read at lunchtime in her history notebook.

Tuesday, on top of the daily activities and some extra chores the older two did Singapore Math, Chatterbox had a logic worksheet (recognising patterns, I think it was).  The older two also did a short English activity to supplement the IEW course we were working on at the end of last year - choosing adjectives and adverbs to insert into short sentences.  Miss Curie started on "Exploring Creation With General Science" (Apologia) and I read a chapter from "God's Design For Plants" at lunch time.  I'm planning for General Science to take two years, rather than one!  I had prepared a shelf in the "school cupboard" in the big girls' bedroom with the materials for most of the experiments for this term, which means Miss Curie can work on that pretty independently (but her sisters are enjoying watching the experiments, which is great for them, too).  That evening we watched a couple of segments of Dave Ramsey's "Foundations in Personal Finance" course on DVD with the Raamonster.  This is excellent so far - interesting and engaging for all ages and easily understandable.

Wednesday after the morning Bible reading and hymn singing was "band" practice.  I've decided to let the girls off piano practice that day and I guide them in playing pieceson violin all together.  There are a couple of simple pieces they all play together, and then the older two are working on a couple of duets (Amazing Grace, which they worked out themselves and Minuet by Bach from their Suzuki book).  Then there was Singapore Math for the older two, another logic worksheet for chatterbox.  More of the General Science for Miss Curie; a small segment of Queen Homeschool's "Learning How to Learn" for Angelina; and a sewing lesson for each of the girls after lunch (yes, even "Baby").

Thursday on top of the daily stuff and additional chores they each had a little bit of English to do.  This is my trickiest subject, since there's not one resource I'm entirely happy with, so we're mixing it up between the Queen Homeschool Language lessons for the older girls, a grade one workbook and her own writing (which she does a lot of) for the Chatterbox, a bit of IEW and some extra bits and pieces that I come up with.  Miss Curie has also started on "Vocabulary Vine" which is a course on some of the most common Latin and Greek roots.  We'll see how we go with that one - I don't want to overload her, but am trying to step up the expectations a bit as she gets older... hopefully without losing sight of life's greatest priorities!

Friday is a bit lighter-on with school work to allow ample time for Sabbath preparation (we observe the seventh-day Sabbath, because that's what Jesus did).  Miss Curie did some Life of Fred, but for the other girls their schedules are just the daily tasks mentioned at the beginning of this post.  Sabbath preparation means getting clothes ready for church, helping out with meals and making afternoon tea for church if I need it, and generally getting the house into an extra state of cleanness for the following day.  Generally this means  that Friday afternoons are a bit more relaxed than other days... in theory, anyway!

SO, that was our "official" school week, but there was plenty of unofficial learning happening as well.  Angelina is reading through the Little House on the Prairie series and we're having lots of discussions related to that.  There have been several "tea parties", with Angelina presiding over tea-making and other preparations.  Miss Curie made brownies today and we've made fresh cheese several times from the raw milk we've been buying from a family farm...  Then we've had discussions about why I can use just baking soda without cream of tartar when I use the whey from the cheese to make pancakes and scones (surprisingly the Chatterbox worked that one out!)

Thankfully, with their lists and a fairly predictable routine, the oldest three girls can work reasonably independently, which allows me time with "Baby" (who really needs a new name!).  She loves to help me with cooking stuff, so I try to include her as much as I can in what I'm doing.  Plus I'm starting to give her more little jobs around the house.  The fact that the older girls are good at working on their own means that I can give the time and attention to training up "Baby" in those little jobs.

Over this term, I'm trying to encourage Miss Curie and Angelina to work on some sort of project that they choose for themselves.  At the moment Angelina is inclined towards working on her drawing, and Miss Curie is keen to further develop her cooking skills...  You may notice that I don't include any traditional "Art" in our schedule.  That's because I don't need to!  All my girls love to draw, paint, sculpt and craft without any prompting from me, and that tends to happen a lot in their spare time.

So overall, it's been a good week.  I'm really excited as the girls are getting older and they can be setting a path towards their own unique futures.

Homeschoolers Don't Do School Well

After a number of years (nearly six now!) of homeschooling and meeting many families new to this adventure, I've learned something (at last! :))  Homeschoolers don't do school well.  Some are smart enough to never try, but many flounder, sometimes for years, wondering why nothing seems to be "working" and why they feel so burnt out.

Before you throw anything at me, I'm not saying that homeschoolers don't educate their children well.  There are many sterling examples of incredible young adults who have been thoroughly and successfully educated at home, by their own parents.  But seriously, I am yet to see a homeschooler do "school at home" well.

You see, despite the fact that we have taken our children out of school - hopefully for very good reasons, not on a whim! - many of us then try to emulate the school environment at home.  We often bring (or keep) our children home to nurture our relationships and celebrate their individuality, only to stuff them into hard chairs at desks with workbooks designed for a mass-produced education.

I'm not criticizing workbooks or desks - they have a legitimate place in many families, but I am criticizing a mass-produced education at home.  Why would we go to all the effort of copying the schools we don't want to send our children to?  Why do we worry so much about our kids "keeping up" when deep down we know very well that - unless we are downright neglectful - they wouldn't be "keeping up" any better at school than they are at home... When we know deep down that only 49% of children can be "above average" in any given area... When we know deep down that lots of kids "fall through the cracks" in the school system, but if we're paying any attention, we can't possibly not notice that a child isn't reading or doesn't "get" numbers, and so we'll work with them in a way and with an intensity that couldn't happen in a classroom, unless the teacher chose to ignore 19 or more other little people.

Sure, there will be lots of stuff our kids don't learn from us, but that will (hopefully) be either because there is a disability that would have stopped them from learning it at school anyway, OR because it's just not important enough right now (and if it's important later, they can always learn it later - our kids brains don't stop learning the moment they turn 18 or leave home!)

If we don't "believe in" school - why do we keep trying to copy it?  Why aren't we bolder when relatives and friends "test" our kids or question our methods?  Instead of trying to prove that we're "keeping up", why don't we explain that we're not sending our kids to school because we don't believe in it?

We're (most of us, anyway) homeschooling because we want to give our kids an entirely different kind of education, right?  We can't possibly successfully (and cheerfully) squeeze school as school is school in around the physical responsibilities of being a mother.  We can incorporate a valuable and value-filled education into every day life.

Our kids may never speak educationese, but they will be able to communicate with real people in real life.  Our kids may never find out who stole the cookie from the cookie jar, but they will learn that stealing is wrong.  Our kids may never participate in a school sports carnival, but will that permanently cripple them?  Their first test may be the learner driver test, but does that mean they haven't learned anything in the meantime?

This is not about picking on schools. Plenty of great people have come out of the school system.  This is about the fact that school is school and home is home and we don't have to be the same to educate our children.

Schools are expected to prepare kids for almost every possible scenario.  As parents, we can begin to see from an early age that there are some things our children won't become, so we don't need to "allow for" those possibilities.  I can say with 99% confidence that my three oldest girls won't become... lots of things - there a zillion possibilities I don't need to "allow for", so I get to concentrate more energy on their strengths and interests (that doesn't mean we neglect areas of weakness, just that we don't need to obsess over them - we can slow down and take our time to learn thoroughly, rather than worrying about "keeping up").

We have the freedom to be different - let's embrace it!