Mind Your Manners!

Our oldest three girls have been away  with grandparents for the weekend, so the Raamonster and I have been home with just Baby.  Over those few days we've noticed that we still have to remind her to say please and thank you.

So, we're giving her a bit more encouragement to say them without being reminded by saying "no" to any request not accompanied by a "please", or taking things away when she forgets to say "thank you".  This seems to be rectifying the problem very quickly... and with minimal conflict.

In the process, I'm finding I'm paying more attention to how I speak to her.  Generally these kinds of situations highlight the fact that I'm not setting the example that I should.  Thankfully, I'm actually finding that the habit that I established very early in my days of parenting has stuck.  I do say please and thank you... Unfortunately, on the other hand, I often find myself using a tone of voice bordering on whining when the girls haven't been listening to me.  Not such a good habit!

Anyway, thinking about all this has reminded me of the importance of treating our children as people from day one.  Yes, as a parent I am in authority and they need to learn to do what I ask.  BUT, as the adult, I need to set the standard of respect for their personhood.  My kids have less authority, but they are not of less value than me as people.  How I speak to them sends a message every day about their value as people.  Now you may be thinking that saying "please" and "thank you" confuses children because they think you are making a suggestion or that a request is optional.  I have a simple solution - if there is a delayed reaction, I simply say (but still hopefully in a kind voice) "that's an instruction, not a request" (even very young children soon learn what that means!).

There are times when a firmer tone of voice or less polite wording is warranted, but overall I think the big thing us parents need to remember is that we're in charge of our children, we are responsible for their well-being, but we are not more important than them... And so, as a loving example to them, we need to mind our manners.

Smart Survival Parenting

We'll probably all experience at least a bout of survival parenting sometime.  I mean those times when you're just barely keeping your head above water.  Times when - if a visitor pops in unannounced - there is the distinct possibility that they will find a wet patch on one of your dining chairs (which you desperately hope was spilt from a drink of water, and not something else).  Times when the phrase "you could just..." strike you with both guilt and rage in equal measure.  Guilt that you're not doing what you could, and rage that others have no idea that you really couldn't just.

I've had some extended periods of survival parenting, when life's circumstances conspired together to make me feel like I was drowning in my own life.  One of those times was when I was up night after night for hours on end with Angelina screaming in pain.  I was pregnant with Chatterbox.  And then we all got a terrible gastro bug - while living for several weeks in a one bedroom "unit" with a bathroom that was a metre wide (no bath, of course) and a kitchen approximately the size of a single bed (no oven, of course).

I did what many, many desperate mothers have done before and since.  Morning and afternoon, I turned on Playschool.  (Don't worry, this is not going to turn into a rant against Playschool - bear with me.)  At first, my children didn't know that television existed apart from Playschool.  The TV would go off faithfully the moment it was finished.  Then, I started turning it on a liiiiitttle bit before Playschool started, and left it on for that teeny little program after Playschool.  And then I thought that one program was so teeny tiny, it wouldn't hurt to leave it on for the next one as well.

Then something happened.  I woke up.  My children were starting to simply exist.  They lived for when the TV was on.  They started to chuck hissy fits when I turned it off.  I suddenly realised that putting the kids in front of the TV wasn't helping me keep my head above water, it was dragging me under.  I'll come back to that.

Survival parenting is hard, by it's very nature.  But. It doesn't have to be bad.  In fact, smart survival parenting can be very, very good.  As I have learned through several episodes of st#p*d (stupid is a dirty word in our house) survival parenting.

Here are some of the best lessons I've learned through my survival parenting experiences.  They're not rules, and they may not fit your circumstances, but maybe there's something in my journey that will resonate with you.

1) Whenever possible, spare some of your energy for setting up systems to help your kids become independent and even helpful.  If you have zero energy, but help is available, you might suggest to your helpers that they teach your kids to make a sandwich or a salad or sushi...  Or you could ask them (if you're very brave) - or do this yourself - to rearrange your kitchen so plates and utensils are within easy reach of the children (if they're old enough to be trusted not to impale themselves on a butter knife).

2) Encourage reading.  Once one child is able to read well enough to follow directions, you can give them a recipe or write out a set of jobs for them to do, or let them learn through independent reading.  This has been a huge help for me.

3) Recognize strengths - and learn to use them!  I've learnt that Angelina is the best at hearing me call out - if I have a message to deliver, but am sick in bed, she's the one I call.  (I rarely bother to call Miss Curie - it takes less energy to go and find her and rouse her from whatever daydream she happens to be in the midst of :).)  If I want a job done without complaining, I ask Miss Curie.  If I want help with cooking, I ask Chatterbox.

4) Invest in discipline.  And I don't mean punishment, necessarily, although I do believe it is called for at times.  When you're barely surviving it is incredibly hard to put the necessary work into teaching children strong values, but it is soooo much better to force yourself to deal with issues such as meanness and lying straight away - to set the standard and stick to it doggedly - than to let things slide for a time.  I've done it both ways, and I'm slowly learning  that it is better for us to miss a meal than to "miss" an issue.

5) Following on from that: Expect everyone to contribute.  Don't make clean up optional - for example teach your kids (if you possibly can) how to wash dishes or load the dishwasher and set the expectation that it gets done after every meal (there are still some "gentle" reminders that have to happen in our house!).

6) Let go of stuff that doesn't matter.  For example cloth nappies don't get folded here, they get shoved in a box (I appreciate that for some folding may be necessary where there is limited storage space).  I also hang them up just by a corner (I know this wouldn't work in really damp climates).  (Again, these aren't rules, just examples of how I survive.)  Nor do I make any particular effort to remove stains from nappies - after all, they're just going back on a bottom!

7) On the other hand, hang on to the stuff that does matter.  First, most important thing here is Bible reading.  Yes, I'm human and get slack sometimes, but I really try to cling to this one and make sure I read (or discuss) Bible with the girls each and every day, regardless of what else is happening.

8) Be efficient and try to take small steps forward rather than procrastinating.  On those days when I feel like hibernating for several years, I try to choose one small thing to do.  That might be taking the bottle of (environmentally friendly, of course ;)) toilet cleaner in to the toilet with me so I clean the toilet after I've used it.  It might be wiping the bathroom sink after I've brushed my hair... I often find once I've taken that one small step past total paralysis, the rest get easier.

9) Get rid of junk.  Nowadays, if I find a toy (as long as it's not something really special such as the doll quilts made by my cousin and aunt) left out by one of the bigger kids, I chuck it or op shop it.  Ditto if I discover trinkets that have lived at the back of a drawer for several years, unless I have a use for them straight away.  Ditto if I don't like the way an item of clothing fits and it's not practical to adjust it.  Ditto if a toy hasn't been played with in forEVER (we're members of the toy library, so we can always borrow something similar).  This includes lollies that we're given that I don't want my kids to eat.  I just throw them away now.  It is SO not worth letting stuff drain your precious energy.

10) Now that I've made it all the way to nine points, I feel like I should have a tenth.  Here we go.  Don't let yourself get weighed down with other people's expectations - including the expectation to have exactly ten tips on any given subject.

One last suggestion - try not to depend on one child as your helper.  If there is one kid in the house who is always helpful and agreeable, it's easy to place unreasonable burdens on them - don't let this happen - make sure everyone pulls their weight in whatever ways they can.  (It's nerve-wracking, now that we have a tiled kitchen floor, but I even get Baby to help load/unload the dishwasher sometimes.)

Don't be afraid of survival parenting - the experience can be one of incredibly positive growth and strengthening relationships for the whole family.  The trick is, whoever you are, whatever your circumstances, search out ways to be smart about it.  If it's important, it's possible.  If it's impossible, it's not important.

There is No Cure

Let's be honest with ourselves: there is no cure for bad parenting moments.

The one absolute guarantee of being a parent is that we will stuff up. Sometimes in a really big way. There is no cure. Homeschooling will not cure parents or children of miscommunication, impatience, frustration, or any of the other myriad of relationship enemies every parent and child must face at times.

Nor will sending kids to school shield them from the bad influence of our anger, laziness, selfishness... or in fact any of our character weaknesses.

Let me repeat myself: there is no cure for bad parenting moments. We will damage our children - whether we keep them at home within the loving embrace of family life... or whether we send them out as intrepid voyagers into the big, wide world.

So often we fool ourselves with the idea that there is a formula that will give our children the perfect lives... That if we send them to the right schools (or don't send them to school), control every aspect of their lives (or give them the freedom to discover the world for themselves), etc, etc, that somehow they will turn out "right".

The problem with all the formulae ever devised is that we are imperfect and our children have free will.

Of course there are good ways and bad ways of parenting. Beating children into cowering submission is unlikely to yield a happy result. On the other hand, letting them "express themselves" through tantrums and whining is equally unlikely to bring about success.

If our value as human being is tied up in how our kids "turn out" we are headed for disaster and confusion. A child may become an outstanding citizen despite being brought up by the most horrible and vindictive people on the planet. Or a child may become a cruel psychopath, despite being brought up in a loving but demanding home. To believe that we can control the outcome of our children's lives is to deny our humanity and theirs.

Being effective as parents is about being effective as people. If we live with integrity and honesty, we give our kids the best (although not the only) chance of doing the same. If we live by double-standards in a me-first world, we make it difficult (although not impossible) for our children to walk a path of integrity.

Being a parent is simply about being a person. And there is no cure for that.

No Box Big Enough

When Miss Curie was very young, I started reading to her every day, having been convicted by Mem Fox's Reading Magic that this was essential to her future development. Miss Curie often seemed to have little interest in the books apart from the lovely sound they made when their pages were ripped. I thought she probably wouldn't be very interested in reading when she got older. Today, however, she loves to read.

When she was less than a year old, Miss Curie would copy me when I wiped the floor, and she could spend ages smoothing out a blanket perfectly. I was pretty sure that she was going to grow up to be a neat freak. Nearly eight years later, her bed is the messiest in the house (although it is "made") and I often find dirty clothes stuffed in her drawers to the point that they won't open. The "neat freak" box wasn't big enough.

Around the same time, Miss Curie would get really grumpy and out of sorts when we took her to crowded places. As soon as we would leave a hall full of lots of chattering people, she seemed to become "herself" again. I figured she was probably an introvert just like me.

When she was just over two, Miss Curie would often ask me "who are we going to see today?" I would look at her in wonderment, amazed that I had given birth to a child who was apparently an extrovert. Now, at eight and a half, Miss Curie loves to be around other people while doing solitary activities - she loves someone to be in the room with her while she sews or reads a book. On the other hand, she loves her French class because, in her break she gets to "play with the other kids". The "introvert" box isn't big enough.

When Chatterbox was just a baby she was terrified of "creepy crawlies" of all kinds. As she got older she was scared of the dark, of water... the list of things she was scared of kept getting bigger. At the beach one day she was beside herself when she saw her older sisters actually sitting in the waves. She kept yelling at them: "Get up, girls! Get up!" I resigned myself to having an overcautious child. A year on she has suddenly discovered an adventurous spirit and enjoys touching bugs and playing in surf. The "scaredy-cat" box isn't big enough.

Angelina spoke her first words well before she was a year old and a couple of years later she started playing with rhymes. From just three years old she has loved to make up stories and songs. I was convinced that she would learn to read before her older sister. Now she will be seven soon, and learning to read has been a much longer, slower process for her than it was for Miss Curie (and that is totally OK). The "language lover" box wasn't big enough.

So what's the point in all my ramblings? Just that I'm learning not to put my kids in boxes, because no box is big enough. So often, I have thought that I know my girls, only discover that I don't - not really. If I want to know my children and enable them to grow, I can't assign them an identity based on just a few moments in time. To truly nurture them, sometimes I need to just stand back and watch without the need to pull out my field guide to children in order to work out whether they are "introverts" or "hypersensitive" or "gifted" or ... whatever.

It's essential to guide our children towards growing in character, rather than excusing immoral or reckless behaviour because "that's just who they are". However, I need to learn to accept and appreciate my children with all their harmless little quirks and eccentricities - the bits that make them unique without hurting themselves or others. I don't have to put them in a box to do that.

As for The Baby, she's a mischeivous little thing right now. She has learned to open jars, bottles, cupboards... you name it... and chaos has ensued. When Baby has had enough to eat, she indicates this by either spreading her food artistically and strategically over the table, or by throwing it on the floor (although she is rapidly learning that this is not How Things Are Done). I don't know what personality "box" she belongs in, though, because no box is big enough.

How To Raise Perfect Children (More Or Less)

Step 1. Stop being human.

Seriously now... as mother to four little cupcakes, How To Be A Good Parent is something of a preoccupation of mine these days. I often ponder how best to raise these little girls as (hopefully) God-fearing adults overflowing with integrity and love of their fellow man.

I have been wont to bemoan the lack of detail in the bible about correctly raising children. There are just a few very general instructions to parents - no specifics about when to introduce dairy or how to potty train... Perhaps because such things really aren't that important after all.

Just today, though, I've had an epiphany. The bible doesn't lack detail about parenting at all, it is simply (being a perfect book inspired by the very Creator of the universe) ... efficient. You see, there's this verse that goes; "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22:15) I was thinking about this verse again today when it occurred to me how much detail is in this verse alone. It tells me that I need to use a rod to correct my child whenever he (or she, in my case!) is foolish. The rest of the bible is absolute bursting with references to fools and foolishness that define for me exactly when I need to administer the "rod of correction". Easy!

Only, of course, it isn't easy because the hard bit about being a Mum for me is actually Paying Attention and *noticing* when my children are being foolish. I let an awful lot of teaching opportunities slip by me because I'm off in my little world. That is something that I can - with God's holy spirit - work on, though.

There are other verses that deal with bringing up children as well, of course. Deuteronomy 6:7 instructs us : "You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up." Here also is a wealth of information since the "them" we are to teach diligently to our children refers to the commandments God gave to the Israelites through Moses.

There are a number of other verses that refer specifically to bringing up children that I may "talk" about another time, but even just those two verses provide an incredible foundation for being a responsible and loving parent. We need to both teach (that is, intentionally teach, not as a reaction to misbehaviour) and lovingly (and let me emphasize lovingly, not because we're embarrassed or annoyed or outraged or hurt) correct. Phew! It's no wonder I'm so tired by the end of each day!

So maybe I'm not quite on my way to raising perfect children, but it's not for lack of information. After all, I have 24-hour access to the ultimate parenting resource, the Bible.

Never Mine

One for the mothers (and their children)... Please forgive the erratic punctuation :)

You never were mine,
Though I held you inside.
You never were mine,
Though we laughed and we cried.

You never were mine
Through tumultuous years;
You never were mine
Through the laughter and tears.

You never were mine
As we sang many songs -
In sweet harmonies -
They made us feel strong.

You never were mine
When we choked with despair,
When sorrows weighed heavy,
And death held our stare.

You never were mine
Through the day or the night -
Though we walked side by side,
Ever seeking the light.

You never were mine
For a moment or breath -
You aren't mine in life...
Nor will be in death.

You never were mine,
You belong to the King
He loaned you to me,
Such a marvellous thing!

Though you never were mine,
I thank God every day
That He sent you to me
... And left you to stay!

Comparison Paralysis

One day, I hope I will get through an entire day without concerning myself about how other people are living their lives. I think the temptation to compare ourselves with others leaks into every aspect of our lives if we are honest with ourselves.

It can seem harmless enough - looking for a benchmark to measure our own or our children's progress. The reality, though, is that comparisons are paralysing.

If I decide that - despite all my shortcomings - I am feeding my children better than Betty, teaching my children better than Sally, disciplining my children better than Mary, and having more fun with my children than Lucy (you may imagine that Lucy is not much fun to be around at all!) - then I give myself a big old pat on the back and don't look at where I can and should change. I become paralysed by self-congratulation.

On the other hand, if all I can see is that Betty is teaching her children three languages; Mary has never let any artificial ingredient pass the lips of her five little treasures, ever; Sally sings songs and plays games with her children every day; and Lucy has certainly never let her children whine or scream - then I become paralysed by a sense of hopelessness because I can't hope to live up to those kinds of standards.

Most of us want to do the best we can with what we have, whether we have children or not. While we can learn and discern - learn from the successes and failures of those around us, and discern that certain practices are not right or wise - it is destructive to "compare ourselves among ourselves".

The measure of success is not where we are, but where we're going. Comparison paralysis is one of the most effective ways to stop us dead in our tracks - either through self-satisfaction or discouragement. Either because we see where we are right now as perfectly adequate (because others are so far behind us that we must be doing well), or because our destination seems unattainable (because others are so far ahead of us that we couldn't possibly catch up).

We can only live the life that we have been given. If we're busy watching where other people are going, we're sure to stumble or come to a complete stop. Looking out for the mistakes or successes of those around us simply blinds us to our own faults. My goal, when my stupid mind starts critiquing others, is to turn that critique inwards and ask myself - what insecurities and sins am I trying to hide in myself? If someone else's parenting style upsets me, it's a very loud alarm bell that I need to start paying a lot more attention to my personal inconsistencies. On the other hand, if I get totally discouraged because someone else seems to have it all together, then I need to examine whether my priorities are in keeping with my circumstances (teaching three languages is not in keeping with my present circumstances, but I certainly congratulate anyone out there who is teaching their kids three languages!). I also need to examine how much my priorities are being driven by concern about my image.

I truly believe that feeling self-satisfied and feeling inadequate are both forms of pride. Self-satisfaction reflects pride in doing better than someone else; a sense of inadequacy reflects the wounded pride of not living up to the standard we feel we should be able to achieve (go ahead, disagree with me!).

It's only natural as human beings that we will feel self-satisfied at times, and inadequate at other times. True satisfaction comes from knowing that we are working with what God gives us to grow; a sense of inadequacy can spur us on to work harder, reach higher, and depend on God to fill in the many gaps.

Instead of looking at the lives of others as a benchmark for my own success, I am trying to admire the admirable, and encourage and facilitate the growth of others by the way I live (easier said than done!!) and relate to my fellow human beings. Life isn't a race to the finish with one winner and a whole bunch of losers. The destination itself is the goal, not being the first or the best person to get there. If we let comparison paralysis take over, we won't get there at all, but if we focus on that end goal and a desire for everyone to reach it, we might even find ourselves helping others to get there as well.

Another Secret of Time

We've been going to the pool a little more often now that it's been HOT. I've been amazed to see Miss Curie and Angelina are learning to swim after just five lessons at $2 each a year ago, and one free lesson this year. And even Chatterbox is blowing bubbles.

Do I have brilliantly talented children? No, not really. (Of course, I think they're brilliant because I'm their Mum, but if I'm being objective about it they're not overly sporty.) Have I been teaching them to swim myself? Well, not exactly.

And here we have the second Secret of Time that I'm discovering (only I guess it's not a secret now that I'm telling you). I'm sure many other experienced parents already know it well. If I'd spent bucketloads of money on swimming lessons the girls would probably be a bit better at swimming, but my time just being in the pool with them (and not a lot of time, at that) has achieved almost as much as several hundred dollars.

Now, my point is not to say that swimming lessons are a waste, and this is really not about money either. The great revelation to me has been just how much my time can teach my children. I have occasionally shown the girls how to blow bubbles or given Chatterbox a dunking, and the Raamonster has been involved with giving them rides on his back and getting them to jump to him. Beyond that, we really haven't set out to teach the girls to swim. It seems that just being there, in the water - talking, playing, and admiring their little achievements - was enough.

I don't like the term "quality time" because it usually implies that a little bit of time doing something big is what children need. I think that the evidence of many divided families shows that more time doing little things is more valuable in the long run. I will qualify that, though. In my experience, my time with the girls does'n't "count" for anything if I'm not mentally and emotionally present. Chatterbox doesn't get her "fix" from sitting on my lap while I'm surfing the net. Likewise with the Raamonster.

Well, I could blather on for ages, but my delightful little Angelina is reading a story (she's just learning to read), so I'd better practise what I'm preaching and give her some time!

Guilt and Getting Over Ourselves

I have a confession to make - I don't read Chatterbox three books a day. Some days I don't even read her one! Shhh - don't tell Mem Fox, will you?

This post has been rolling around in my head for ages. I forgot to put the bread in the oven earlier, so now, while I'm up waiting for the bread to cook, I figured I might as well spit it out.

Mem Fox is not the only person out there with great ideas about Stuff You Should Do With Your Kids. And don't get me wrong, I'm all for reading to children. I'm also all for singing to them, and teaching them a language, and getting them out in the garden, and taking them for walks, and cooking with them, and teaching them table manners, and early potty training (or, even better, elimination communication), and extended breast-feeding, and large families, and praying together, and eating meals together, and teaching them to work, and teaching them to manage money from a young age, and teaching them to swim, and getting them involved in team sports, and in serving the community as a family... Need I go on? Do you start to see where I'm going with this?

I have days when I get really weighed down with guilt over all the worthwhile things that I'm not doing with my kids on a regular basis. Let me examine what that guilt is really about. Do I believe that early potty training will have a long-lasting benefit on my child's character and emotional well-being? No. Do I believe that stopping breast-feeding two weeks before Chatterbox turned two is going to substantially limit her potential? No. Do I believe that my children will all drown in the bathtub if they don't learn to swim by the age of eight? No. Do I believe that my children will grow up unable to interact with others if they are not involved in team sports and community service right now? No. If I analyse all those points above, I find the answers are much the same.

So why do I feel guilty? Oh, hang on, it's not really guilt at all, is it? I'm worried about my IMAGE. I want my kids to make ME look good to others! Someone out there is going to think that I've failed because I gave up breastfeeding Miss Curie when she was only thirteen months old. Someone out there will think I'm totally slack for bumming around at home instead of taking the kids swimming. Someone out there will be disgusted that Angelina can't catch a ball. Someone out there will think that I'm doing something really wrong when Chatterbox chucks a wobbly in the supermarket.

WOAH! Back up there! Doesn't it mean my discipline is failing if my kids misbehave? Not necessarily - it means they're human and sometimes think "I want that shiny stuff and I'm gonna get it, and hang the consequences". More or less.

Side note here - I am NOT a perfect parent. I've got lots that needs to change. My discipline DOES often fail. But my kids' behaviour at any given moment is not a barometer of my success or failure as a parent.

I'm not writing this post because I ascribe to the "I'm OK, you're OK, we're all OK" philosophy. NO WAY! Quite the opposite, in fact. It is SO not OK for me to base my parenting decisions on how they make ME look. I need to get over myself. Whatever I do, I'm going to look bad to someone. My decisions as a parent need to be based on solid biblical principles. I need to do what's right because it's what GOD wants and what will build CHARACTER in my children, not because it will make me look good.

The bible is surprisingly devoid of statements along the lines of "thou shalt engage thy child in 4.5 hours of extracurricular activities per week" This "deficit" of specific intstructions doesn't take away from my responsibility as a parent. It adds to my responsibility. I have to make a judgement based on biblical principles as to what are the greatest needs in the lives of my children.

A couple of years ago now we started down the road of trying to track down the cause of Angelina's eczema. In retrospect I would have to say that the harder I tried to fix it, the worse it got. In retrospect, I would also have to say that my search for answers was triggered by FEAR of what other people would think of me if I did "nothing". Looking back I think some of the dietary restrictions exacerbated the problem, possibly due to - *gulp* - malnutrition. I'm not intending to launch into a medical analysis, but that experience was a disturbing example of me putting my personal image ahead of true righteousness and truly responsible parenting.

I guess I don't mind after all if you tell Mem Fox I don't read Chatterbox three books a day. I reckon she'll understand anyway, but even if she doesn't, that's not my problem. Now I'd better be a responsible parent and go to bed so I'm ready to greet Chatterbox with a smile at 6am tomorrow morning.

The Secret of Time

No one with any sense or sense of responsibilty would deny that parenting is a challenge. I'm pretty sure that worrying about whether you're doing the right thing is pretty common ground for most parents too.

When dealing with a troubling attitude or behavioural issue, it's only natural that we want to "fix" it straight away. If you're anything like me, if a discipline approach doesn't work within a few days (if not within a few hours), you want to give up on it and try something else.

Recently, I've been reminded of the secret ingredient of Time. No, not spending time with your kids. That's obviously crucial, but what I mean in this case is allowing kids the time to absorb the lesson you're trying to teach.

Chatterbox, like our other two at the same age, doesn't like to go to bed. Sleep must appear to be some kind of masochistic scheme to the two-year-old brain. Anyway, once she worked out how to climb out of the cot, even when the side was up, the battle lines were drawn. Night after night we were putting that sweet little cupcake back into bed with "reminders" that it was definitely Bed Time. Now that the worst is over, I remember that the battle with Miss Curie was equally drawn-out. Anyway, success crept up on us, over time. There are still loud protests and requests for water, hair clips and various other random items each bed time, but these are diminishing over time, AND she no longer gets out of bed! Hooray!

I expect many more such challenges to come our way over the years, and many more such lessons to be learnt!

Consistency is Key?

Since very early in my parenting journey, the phrase "consistency is key" has become a daunting refrain, echoed by many parents along varying stages of their journey - most of them at the end of it, though. (Yes, yes, I know you never stop being a parent, but by "the end" I mean that their kids have left home and are now largely responsible for their own lives).

Every time I think about consistency my stomach knots up, my throat tightens, and my head starts to buzz. I believe these are symptoms of panic. I panic because I know that if consistency is The Key of Competent Parenting, I am an utter failure after a mere six years in the trenches.

Consistency is completely impossible when you suffer from a severe case of "mother brain" (like "pregnant brain", only worse). How on earth can one consistently enforce rules and regulations that retreat to a fuzzy haze of uncertainty mere seconds after being declared? "I think I'm sure I might have told you that if you cut your hair again you wouldn't be allowed to use the scissors again for the rest of the week," somehow lacks conviction.

So what hope, if any, is there for those of us stuck in the doldrums of inconsistency? Or - more to the point - what hope is there for our children?

After pondering this point for some time, and considering the lack of biblical instruction on the Importance of Consistency, I feel reassured that my children are not (yet) doomed to eternal failure.

Certain things are consistent in our household. The Bible is the standard. God's Word is unchanging and absolute truth. Life is not about being good, it's about growing good. As humans we will fail - in the Raamonster household, failure is fairly frequent. Acknowledging our mistakes and our need for God and striving to do better next time, now that is key. Our children need to be allowed to be human too.

When we get lost on our way to an unfamiliar place, most of us don't give up on the whole journey just because we made a wrong turn. Depending on the degree of our error, that wrong turn may have small (being a little bit late if we miss a turn-off) or big (a car accident if we go the wrong way up a one-way street) consequences, but if we are willing to do a course correction, we can still reach our destination. On the other hand, if we keep heading in the wrong direction, we'll never get there.

So, my conclusion is this: there should be consistency in our standards (i.e. at no time ever is it OK to lie) and in our ultimate goal (the glory of God and eternal life for everyone according to His plan). However, by our very nature, our administration of the standards and the goal is doomed to inconsistency (we might be too soft or too hard in dealing out consequences, depending on our mood, the time of the month, how much sleep we've had, etc). That doesn't mean that our children are doomed. It just means that they'll learn to be human just like us.