"With great power comes great responsibility." Remember that saying from Spiderman? (Now there's a movie I plan never to watch again.) Well. It's true, isn't it? And true of being a parent. As parents we have enormous power, and most of us take the responsibilty that goes with it very seriously.
We wonder whether we should make our children practise their music, or let them decide. We ask ourselves whether swimming lessons or ball sports are more important. We agonise over the perfect balance between innocence and being aware of potential dangers in the world around them. We argue back and forth among ourselves over food, screen time, independence, safety, attachment, breastfeeding - in fact, every imaginable facet of parenting becomes subject to a squillion conflicting "rules" dictated to befuddled parents by a myriad of "experts".
Once again, though, we are asking ourselves the Wrong Questions. There is no one authoratitative resource which defines the ideal diet, the perfect balance of extracurricular activities and the exact formula for screen time. In its own unique way, though, the Bible tells us exactly what we should do. The big, central question for every parent, is exactly the same as the big, central question for every human being: "what should I become?" (And, of course, there are a whole bunch of other questions that go along with that, but - interestingly - "should we have pizza for dinner tonight?" is not one of them.)
Being a good parent is all about being a good person. And being a good person is comprehensively defined by the Bible. It starts with realising you can't actually be a good person without God working in your life, front and centre. And then there are a whole pile of principles that apply to every human relationship - including the parent-child relationship. God's definition of Love in 1 Corinthians 13 is a great place to start.
Let me digress a little. We have a bad habit of defining parental success by the outcomes in the lives of our children. Ever heard a parent say something like: "we tried everything to make Johnny stop hitting his sister, but nothing worked"? The implication is that it's our job to make our children do what is right... and that somehow that will turn them into good people. To a limited extent we can control and change our children's behaviour when they're young, but shouldn't our goal be to teach them what is right and what is wrong (including administering painful consequences, to demonstrate clearly that sin causes pain) and hope like mad that they will choose to do what is right? That sounds terrifying, but sooner or later, our children will choose for themselves, whether we like it or not, and if we spent their lives forcing them to do what's right, they may not choose the right so readily as we might hope.
We may do everything humanly possible to be good parents... and have children who grow up to make bad choices and end up in jail. On the other hand, we could be utterly selfish and yet churn out kids who become doctors who choose to give freely of their services in third-world countries. The choices our children ultimately make don't define our success (or failure) as parents. There are countless people who have risen above a horrible upbringing to become outstanding leaders. Unfortunately, the reverse is also true.
Soooo, getting back to the main point, the truest definition of our success (or not) as parents, is whether (or not) we become what we should. It's whether (or not) we do what we should. It's whether (or not) we live as we should. If we are really and truly guided by the principle of loving others as ourselves and God most of all, then the question of how many serves of veges our kids have eaten today fade into insignificance. The right actions will naturally flow from the right frame of mind.
Of course, none of us will ever love our children perfectly in this lifetime, because we are still human. But if we are truly motivated to become what we should, then in the grand scheme of things - regardless of what our children choose to do with their lives - we will truly have succeeded.
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Monday, December 24, 2012
Saturday, January 8, 2011
How To Raise Perfect Children (More Or Less)
Step 1. Stop being human.
Seriously now... as mother to four little cupcakes, How To Be A Good Parent is something of a preoccupation of mine these days. I often ponder how best to raise these little girls as (hopefully) God-fearing adults overflowing with integrity and love of their fellow man.
I have been wont to bemoan the lack of detail in the bible about correctly raising children. There are just a few very general instructions to parents - no specifics about when to introduce dairy or how to potty train... Perhaps because such things really aren't that important after all.
Just today, though, I've had an epiphany. The bible doesn't lack detail about parenting at all, it is simply (being a perfect book inspired by the very Creator of the universe) ... efficient. You see, there's this verse that goes; "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22:15) I was thinking about this verse again today when it occurred to me how much detail is in this verse alone. It tells me that I need to use a rod to correct my child whenever he (or she, in my case!) is foolish. The rest of the bible is absolute bursting with references to fools and foolishness that define for me exactly when I need to administer the "rod of correction". Easy!
Only, of course, it isn't easy because the hard bit about being a Mum for me is actually Paying Attention and *noticing* when my children are being foolish. I let an awful lot of teaching opportunities slip by me because I'm off in my little world. That is something that I can - with God's holy spirit - work on, though.
There are other verses that deal with bringing up children as well, of course. Deuteronomy 6:7 instructs us : "You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up." Here also is a wealth of information since the "them" we are to teach diligently to our children refers to the commandments God gave to the Israelites through Moses.
There are a number of other verses that refer specifically to bringing up children that I may "talk" about another time, but even just those two verses provide an incredible foundation for being a responsible and loving parent. We need to both teach (that is, intentionally teach, not as a reaction to misbehaviour) and lovingly (and let me emphasize lovingly, not because we're embarrassed or annoyed or outraged or hurt) correct. Phew! It's no wonder I'm so tired by the end of each day!
So maybe I'm not quite on my way to raising perfect children, but it's not for lack of information. After all, I have 24-hour access to the ultimate parenting resource, the Bible.
Seriously now... as mother to four little cupcakes, How To Be A Good Parent is something of a preoccupation of mine these days. I often ponder how best to raise these little girls as (hopefully) God-fearing adults overflowing with integrity and love of their fellow man.
I have been wont to bemoan the lack of detail in the bible about correctly raising children. There are just a few very general instructions to parents - no specifics about when to introduce dairy or how to potty train... Perhaps because such things really aren't that important after all.
Just today, though, I've had an epiphany. The bible doesn't lack detail about parenting at all, it is simply (being a perfect book inspired by the very Creator of the universe) ... efficient. You see, there's this verse that goes; "foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of correction will drive it far from him." (Proverbs 22:15) I was thinking about this verse again today when it occurred to me how much detail is in this verse alone. It tells me that I need to use a rod to correct my child whenever he (or she, in my case!) is foolish. The rest of the bible is absolute bursting with references to fools and foolishness that define for me exactly when I need to administer the "rod of correction". Easy!
Only, of course, it isn't easy because the hard bit about being a Mum for me is actually Paying Attention and *noticing* when my children are being foolish. I let an awful lot of teaching opportunities slip by me because I'm off in my little world. That is something that I can - with God's holy spirit - work on, though.
There are other verses that deal with bringing up children as well, of course. Deuteronomy 6:7 instructs us : "You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up." Here also is a wealth of information since the "them" we are to teach diligently to our children refers to the commandments God gave to the Israelites through Moses.
There are a number of other verses that refer specifically to bringing up children that I may "talk" about another time, but even just those two verses provide an incredible foundation for being a responsible and loving parent. We need to both teach (that is, intentionally teach, not as a reaction to misbehaviour) and lovingly (and let me emphasize lovingly, not because we're embarrassed or annoyed or outraged or hurt) correct. Phew! It's no wonder I'm so tired by the end of each day!
So maybe I'm not quite on my way to raising perfect children, but it's not for lack of information. After all, I have 24-hour access to the ultimate parenting resource, the Bible.
Monday, August 10, 2009
In Sickness And In Health
Recently, while I was browsing through some old photos, I came across some of Angelina that made me cry. They weren't cute or endearing, they were downright painful to see. These were photos of her eczema that I had sent to a friend in the hope that this friend might be able to suggest something we could do for her.
Seeing those photos again was both shocking and encouraging. Shocking because it hit me for the first time just how much our little girl suffered for months on end. Encouraging because I am SOOOO thankful that we are not in that place any more. Now, the eczema covers perhaps 5% of her body, then it was more like 90%.
Anyone who has never had an itchy rash simply can't imagine what it's like. If you haven't experienced it, you can't possibly fathom the agony of itching so intense that you are willing to take almost any pain just to have a few moment's relief from that itch.
Likewise I can't imagine what it is like to have a child with some other chronic illness. Although it would be foolish for me to think that I understand what it would be like to have a child with cancer or Downs syndrome or diabetes, or any number of other conditions, I believe that there is some common ground when you have suffered through broken nights and agonising days with a child limited by pain or disability. I believe that there are lessons we can learn together for the sake of our beloved children.
When we experience (as so many of us do in one way or another) being unable to offer our child relief from their grief or pain or frustration, we naturally want to protect them from any other pain or suffering. We want to wrap them up in every possible comfort to compensate for our powerlessness. We want to shelter them from every external frustration and inconvenience to make up for the fact that there is NOTHING we can do to stop or control that inner pain. Those who have been there will understand exactly what I mean when I say that that NOTHING, that complete and utter helplessness, can become the prison of a parent's worst nightmares.
However, in those days of darkness, I truly believe that in order to become our children's allies and not their enemies we must not protect and shelter them as we so desperately desire. OF COURSE we should always offer the comfort and shelter or our unconditional love, but that same love must still teach them the immovable and unchanging standards of right and wrong.
When a suffering child lashes out physically or verbally at others, our temptation as parents is to make an exception to our own standards - "Michael was just frustrated because no one could understand him, that's why he punched his little sister in the face"; "Annabelle is in a lot of pain, I can't blame her for cursing the nurse who was taking her blood"; "People call Jennifer an idiot all the time, so it's fair enough for her to call her teacher an idiot". I am NOT suggesting that we shouldn't allow our children to express their pain, but if we allow them to express pain in a way that is deliberately and consciously hurtful to others, we are robbing them of a tremendous gift.
"What is she on about?" I can hear you ask! Only this: in hindsight, I can see that the experience of suffering has left our Angelina with a legacy of empathy, hope and patience. Don't get me wrong, we are FAR from the perfect parents, and Angelina is by no means the model child. We DID make too many allowances for her in our moments of weakness. However, our overall goal was to teach her to manage, and grow from, her pain and frustration. While we would be deceiving ourselves to claim 100% success, I can see that these experiences have left a positive mark on her character. We can see now that Angelina doesn't give up straight away when a task gets too hard - some of this is personality, of course - but I think her experience of pushing through pain in the real world (not in a parentally created padded cell) contributed to her spirit of endurance now.
I'd just like to encourage all the parents out there to keep the end goal in mind when your children are in distress. While we don't want our children to suffer unreasonable pain, I think it's worth pausing for a moment before we reach for the panadol or ice cream or remote control - a few of the quick ways of easing our child's suffering or distracting them from sadness, anger or frustration. When we instantly remove mild pain or distract them from minor emotional distress we may be robbing our children of the gift of resilience. Our goal for our children is surely that they find true joy and satisfaction in life, even during unfavourable or downright horrible circumstances that are completely out of their control. We want to encourage that strength of character only born through suffering - the strength of character that will enable them to stand up for truth and right, even when the consequences may be pain or even death. I would rather teach my children to die for what is right than to simply survive at all costs.
If we teach our children, by simply rescuing them from all suffering, that happiness and joy come from the outside, we leave them utterly helpless against the future storms that will rage against them in this increasingly toxic world. On the other hand, if we teach our children to face suffering with courage, dignity and hope, we equip them to be a shining light in the darkness of an increasingly immoral world. We help them build the inner strength that allows them to live this temporary life with integrity, looking forward to an unimaginably beautiful eternal future reality.
Allowing our children to suffer is an incredibly difficult and often discouraging road to walk, but our pledge to our children should be as it is to our husbands and wives - to give them our best in sickness and in health, until death us do part. Whatever your personal journey, I pray that God be with you.
Seeing those photos again was both shocking and encouraging. Shocking because it hit me for the first time just how much our little girl suffered for months on end. Encouraging because I am SOOOO thankful that we are not in that place any more. Now, the eczema covers perhaps 5% of her body, then it was more like 90%.
Anyone who has never had an itchy rash simply can't imagine what it's like. If you haven't experienced it, you can't possibly fathom the agony of itching so intense that you are willing to take almost any pain just to have a few moment's relief from that itch.
Likewise I can't imagine what it is like to have a child with some other chronic illness. Although it would be foolish for me to think that I understand what it would be like to have a child with cancer or Downs syndrome or diabetes, or any number of other conditions, I believe that there is some common ground when you have suffered through broken nights and agonising days with a child limited by pain or disability. I believe that there are lessons we can learn together for the sake of our beloved children.
When we experience (as so many of us do in one way or another) being unable to offer our child relief from their grief or pain or frustration, we naturally want to protect them from any other pain or suffering. We want to wrap them up in every possible comfort to compensate for our powerlessness. We want to shelter them from every external frustration and inconvenience to make up for the fact that there is NOTHING we can do to stop or control that inner pain. Those who have been there will understand exactly what I mean when I say that that NOTHING, that complete and utter helplessness, can become the prison of a parent's worst nightmares.
However, in those days of darkness, I truly believe that in order to become our children's allies and not their enemies we must not protect and shelter them as we so desperately desire. OF COURSE we should always offer the comfort and shelter or our unconditional love, but that same love must still teach them the immovable and unchanging standards of right and wrong.
When a suffering child lashes out physically or verbally at others, our temptation as parents is to make an exception to our own standards - "Michael was just frustrated because no one could understand him, that's why he punched his little sister in the face"; "Annabelle is in a lot of pain, I can't blame her for cursing the nurse who was taking her blood"; "People call Jennifer an idiot all the time, so it's fair enough for her to call her teacher an idiot". I am NOT suggesting that we shouldn't allow our children to express their pain, but if we allow them to express pain in a way that is deliberately and consciously hurtful to others, we are robbing them of a tremendous gift.
"What is she on about?" I can hear you ask! Only this: in hindsight, I can see that the experience of suffering has left our Angelina with a legacy of empathy, hope and patience. Don't get me wrong, we are FAR from the perfect parents, and Angelina is by no means the model child. We DID make too many allowances for her in our moments of weakness. However, our overall goal was to teach her to manage, and grow from, her pain and frustration. While we would be deceiving ourselves to claim 100% success, I can see that these experiences have left a positive mark on her character. We can see now that Angelina doesn't give up straight away when a task gets too hard - some of this is personality, of course - but I think her experience of pushing through pain in the real world (not in a parentally created padded cell) contributed to her spirit of endurance now.
I'd just like to encourage all the parents out there to keep the end goal in mind when your children are in distress. While we don't want our children to suffer unreasonable pain, I think it's worth pausing for a moment before we reach for the panadol or ice cream or remote control - a few of the quick ways of easing our child's suffering or distracting them from sadness, anger or frustration. When we instantly remove mild pain or distract them from minor emotional distress we may be robbing our children of the gift of resilience. Our goal for our children is surely that they find true joy and satisfaction in life, even during unfavourable or downright horrible circumstances that are completely out of their control. We want to encourage that strength of character only born through suffering - the strength of character that will enable them to stand up for truth and right, even when the consequences may be pain or even death. I would rather teach my children to die for what is right than to simply survive at all costs.
If we teach our children, by simply rescuing them from all suffering, that happiness and joy come from the outside, we leave them utterly helpless against the future storms that will rage against them in this increasingly toxic world. On the other hand, if we teach our children to face suffering with courage, dignity and hope, we equip them to be a shining light in the darkness of an increasingly immoral world. We help them build the inner strength that allows them to live this temporary life with integrity, looking forward to an unimaginably beautiful eternal future reality.
Allowing our children to suffer is an incredibly difficult and often discouraging road to walk, but our pledge to our children should be as it is to our husbands and wives - to give them our best in sickness and in health, until death us do part. Whatever your personal journey, I pray that God be with you.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The Secret of Time
No one with any sense or sense of responsibilty would deny that parenting is a challenge. I'm pretty sure that worrying about whether you're doing the right thing is pretty common ground for most parents too.
When dealing with a troubling attitude or behavioural issue, it's only natural that we want to "fix" it straight away. If you're anything like me, if a discipline approach doesn't work within a few days (if not within a few hours), you want to give up on it and try something else.
Recently, I've been reminded of the secret ingredient of Time. No, not spending time with your kids. That's obviously crucial, but what I mean in this case is allowing kids the time to absorb the lesson you're trying to teach.
Chatterbox, like our other two at the same age, doesn't like to go to bed. Sleep must appear to be some kind of masochistic scheme to the two-year-old brain. Anyway, once she worked out how to climb out of the cot, even when the side was up, the battle lines were drawn. Night after night we were putting that sweet little cupcake back into bed with "reminders" that it was definitely Bed Time. Now that the worst is over, I remember that the battle with Miss Curie was equally drawn-out. Anyway, success crept up on us, over time. There are still loud protests and requests for water, hair clips and various other random items each bed time, but these are diminishing over time, AND she no longer gets out of bed! Hooray!
I expect many more such challenges to come our way over the years, and many more such lessons to be learnt!
When dealing with a troubling attitude or behavioural issue, it's only natural that we want to "fix" it straight away. If you're anything like me, if a discipline approach doesn't work within a few days (if not within a few hours), you want to give up on it and try something else.
Recently, I've been reminded of the secret ingredient of Time. No, not spending time with your kids. That's obviously crucial, but what I mean in this case is allowing kids the time to absorb the lesson you're trying to teach.
Chatterbox, like our other two at the same age, doesn't like to go to bed. Sleep must appear to be some kind of masochistic scheme to the two-year-old brain. Anyway, once she worked out how to climb out of the cot, even when the side was up, the battle lines were drawn. Night after night we were putting that sweet little cupcake back into bed with "reminders" that it was definitely Bed Time. Now that the worst is over, I remember that the battle with Miss Curie was equally drawn-out. Anyway, success crept up on us, over time. There are still loud protests and requests for water, hair clips and various other random items each bed time, but these are diminishing over time, AND she no longer gets out of bed! Hooray!
I expect many more such challenges to come our way over the years, and many more such lessons to be learnt!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)