Remember Your Reasons

At some point in our lives we all have to face up to some big decisions. It's easy to reach a crossroads and panic because the "right" direction doesn't seem clear. If there is something that I've learned in the last few years, it's the importance of why I am doing what I'm doing.

Why am I at this place in my life? Did I get here by "flying by the seat of my pants", or was there a purpose when I started on this journey?

We first considered homeschooling because The Raamonster and I both had very bad school experiences. By the time we actually started homeschooling it was because we wanted to protect our kids from bad influences. Now we continue to homeschool because we want to instill real values in our children and train them up in growing their strengths and overcoming their weaknesses in a way that honours God. Prayerful consideration of God's purpose for our lives has led us to believe that homeschooling is the best way to do this right now.

There are many days when I wake up wondering if I shouldn't just send the kids to school. It seems easier. I feel like I would have so much more freedom to pursue my dreams. But what are my flimsy dreams worth if I don't do my very best work of being a servant of God, wife and mother? Exactly nothing.

There are days when I read or hear about how other families homeschool and I suddenly feel utterly inadequate and wonder if I should be teaching Latin, or Sign Language, or if we should do more sport. Then I remember my reasons for being in this place. They are nothing to do with creating child prodigies, they are nothing to do with the Education Department's arbitrary schedule of learning and they are nothing to do with "keeping up" with everyone else.

If my reasons were to keep our children in line with what they would learn in the school system, then I'm way off track. If my reasons were to "get ahead" so they can "compete" with their peers to get the best available jobs when they grow up, then I'm going in the wrong direction. If my reasons were to prove to the world that home educated children are "normal", then I've failed dismally. If my reasons were to prove to the world what a competent - and in fact outstanding - mother I am, then I really need to go find myself an audience that is interested.

I keep reminding myself of our reasons. We homeschool so we can nurture our children like tender young plants. As I have discovered recently, chucking seeds in the ground and leaving them to themselves is not a very successful way of gardening. A "survival of the fittest" approach is not satisfactory unless I want to eat only pigweed, nettles and borage for the rest of my life. Without protection, precious seedlings are rapidly destroyed by slugs, snails, earwigs, chickens, sparrows... the list goes on. Likewise, we homeschool because we aren't prepared to just ... chuck our children out in the world and see what happens (I'm not having a go that people who send their kids to school - just reflecting on what the consequences of going to school are likely to be for our own children at their age). For others, perhaps choosing a particular school or getting actively involved in the school is their way of nurturing and protecting those tender little plants.

The important thing is the why. If our goals for our children are centred on academic success (e.g. we choose a school based on Naplan test scores or our homeschool timetable is focused on "getting things done"), we shouldn't be disappointed when Susie has trouble making friends. She has simply adopted our standards. If our goals for our children are based on being "normal" (e.g. we let them watch a questionable program because it's what every kid watches), we shouldn't be surprised when Michael is disrespectful and disdains our values ... because that's what every kid does.

Whatever path you choose for your family, I would urge you - when a crisis hits - remember your reasons. Remember how you got here in the first place. It won't necessarily mean that you won't choose a new direction, but if you do choose a new direction it won't be just because you got scared. Or just because you got tired. Or just because you got frustrated. It will be because the new path will actually take you where you want to go.

Decluttering

OK, so this is the time of year for deep contemplation for me. (The rest of the year I don't do much thinking at all!) I have a compulsive tendency to declutter our house on a regular basis. But right now it's time to declutter my life.

I've been spurred on by what may seem an unrelated experience. Library story time. It's been a couple of years now since I attended library story time since Miss Curie has really outgrown it and - well, there are so many other things to do during the week. I was shocked at the chaos that greeted us at the library. Almost all the people there - adults and children alike - were carrying on conversations as if there wasn't a poor young lady trying to read to an undisciplined group of children. Kids were wandering around, fighting unchecked and apparently unnoticed. When I asked the librarian about it later she said that this is what it's like every week now.

So what on earth does this have to do with mental decluttering? It really drove home to me how socially acceptable it is becoming to look out for number one. It really drove home to me how rapidly our level of concern for our fellow human beings is degenerating. It really drove home to me again how disconnected we are becoming from one another.

It got me thinking about how I spend my time each day, and really intensified my urgency to focus on character in my girls. I spend way too much time and energy on selfish pursuits. If I let myself continue on that path the outlook for my girls is grim. If they don't see me sacrificing my wants for the greater good, they're not likely to go out looking to learn it elsewhere.

The pressure as mothers is to give our children "the best". (OK, I know I'm repeating myself, but repetition IS a great form of emphasis.) What we get duped into thinking is that a never-ending whirl of extra-curricular activities is what is "best". We start to truly believe that the important thing for our childrens' futures is to achieve a particular academic level (preferably well above the average for their age) along with a mile-long list of skills ranging from tying shoelaces to speaking several languages fluently. I've jumped on that bandwagon many times. There are many things I passionately want to teach my children. Of itself I don't think this is a bad thing, butI can see I've just got to keep a steady focus on what will see them through any coming storm. The extra-curricular activities truly are extras that need to fit in around the business of real living.

The most important thing is to ground my girls firmly in faith, hope and love. These are not sideshows - every activity, however exciting or mundane - needs to revolve around these principles.

So what does it look like to focus on character? For me, it means slowing down and paying attention. It means not ignoring one sister hitting the other on the head in frustration. It means not pretending not to see when The Chatterbox defies orders and pops out of bed for a play. It means not being too busy to answer questions about why we have standards for how we treat others. It means not being too tired to guide a reluctant child through writing a letter to someone who needs encouragement. It means not squashing the creative spirit of Miss Curie because it's just too much hard work to guide her ideas towards something productive.

I get tired just thinking about it. That's where I need to give up some of the things that I like to do in order to stay committed to my number one responsibility. Some of the sewing projects may gather dust on my desk for years to come. I may never find the time to buy a perfect matching set of glasses to replace the many that have broken in the last eight years. I might not get all my garlic planted before May. Trivial things, but hard to give up because I'm selfish. If I remember where we're headed and Who we're trying to honour it doesn't get easy, but it does get worth it. Dresses and glasses and gardens will all pass in time. Character lasts. Too often in the battle for our attention the trivialities win. Today, in this house, character wins. The challenge is to make sure it wins every day.

Guilt and Getting Over Ourselves

I have a confession to make - I don't read Chatterbox three books a day. Some days I don't even read her one! Shhh - don't tell Mem Fox, will you?

This post has been rolling around in my head for ages. I forgot to put the bread in the oven earlier, so now, while I'm up waiting for the bread to cook, I figured I might as well spit it out.

Mem Fox is not the only person out there with great ideas about Stuff You Should Do With Your Kids. And don't get me wrong, I'm all for reading to children. I'm also all for singing to them, and teaching them a language, and getting them out in the garden, and taking them for walks, and cooking with them, and teaching them table manners, and early potty training (or, even better, elimination communication), and extended breast-feeding, and large families, and praying together, and eating meals together, and teaching them to work, and teaching them to manage money from a young age, and teaching them to swim, and getting them involved in team sports, and in serving the community as a family... Need I go on? Do you start to see where I'm going with this?

I have days when I get really weighed down with guilt over all the worthwhile things that I'm not doing with my kids on a regular basis. Let me examine what that guilt is really about. Do I believe that early potty training will have a long-lasting benefit on my child's character and emotional well-being? No. Do I believe that stopping breast-feeding two weeks before Chatterbox turned two is going to substantially limit her potential? No. Do I believe that my children will all drown in the bathtub if they don't learn to swim by the age of eight? No. Do I believe that my children will grow up unable to interact with others if they are not involved in team sports and community service right now? No. If I analyse all those points above, I find the answers are much the same.

So why do I feel guilty? Oh, hang on, it's not really guilt at all, is it? I'm worried about my IMAGE. I want my kids to make ME look good to others! Someone out there is going to think that I've failed because I gave up breastfeeding Miss Curie when she was only thirteen months old. Someone out there will think I'm totally slack for bumming around at home instead of taking the kids swimming. Someone out there will be disgusted that Angelina can't catch a ball. Someone out there will think that I'm doing something really wrong when Chatterbox chucks a wobbly in the supermarket.

WOAH! Back up there! Doesn't it mean my discipline is failing if my kids misbehave? Not necessarily - it means they're human and sometimes think "I want that shiny stuff and I'm gonna get it, and hang the consequences". More or less.

Side note here - I am NOT a perfect parent. I've got lots that needs to change. My discipline DOES often fail. But my kids' behaviour at any given moment is not a barometer of my success or failure as a parent.

I'm not writing this post because I ascribe to the "I'm OK, you're OK, we're all OK" philosophy. NO WAY! Quite the opposite, in fact. It is SO not OK for me to base my parenting decisions on how they make ME look. I need to get over myself. Whatever I do, I'm going to look bad to someone. My decisions as a parent need to be based on solid biblical principles. I need to do what's right because it's what GOD wants and what will build CHARACTER in my children, not because it will make me look good.

The bible is surprisingly devoid of statements along the lines of "thou shalt engage thy child in 4.5 hours of extracurricular activities per week" This "deficit" of specific intstructions doesn't take away from my responsibility as a parent. It adds to my responsibility. I have to make a judgement based on biblical principles as to what are the greatest needs in the lives of my children.

A couple of years ago now we started down the road of trying to track down the cause of Angelina's eczema. In retrospect I would have to say that the harder I tried to fix it, the worse it got. In retrospect, I would also have to say that my search for answers was triggered by FEAR of what other people would think of me if I did "nothing". Looking back I think some of the dietary restrictions exacerbated the problem, possibly due to - *gulp* - malnutrition. I'm not intending to launch into a medical analysis, but that experience was a disturbing example of me putting my personal image ahead of true righteousness and truly responsible parenting.

I guess I don't mind after all if you tell Mem Fox I don't read Chatterbox three books a day. I reckon she'll understand anyway, but even if she doesn't, that's not my problem. Now I'd better be a responsible parent and go to bed so I'm ready to greet Chatterbox with a smile at 6am tomorrow morning.