What We Won't Be Doing Today

We won't be singing Christmas carols today. We won't be unwrapping presents left by "Santa" around a tree. We won't be wishing friends and family a "Merry Christmas".

We don't celebrate Christmas because of its pagan origins. We don't believe in "borrowing" celebrations from other religions to worship the True God.

Our focus is not on the helpless baby Jesus laying in a manger, but on Jesus Christ crucified who died in order to give everyone the opportunity to become a true child of God by turning toward God and repenting (being truly sorry for, to the depths of our being) of our sins (disobeying and rejecting God).

I know to many people it seems like we're wet blankets. Who wouldn't love tinsel and pretty lights and giving gifts? Well... we would enjoy them if they didn't represent rejecting the celebrations that God actually ordained in favour of pagan traditions and superstitions.

God speed the day when there truly is Peace on Earth.

No Pain But Mine

Several years ago, we had a car accident that wrote off our car. While we profited from it financially through no fault of our own (we had bought the car that got wrecked at such a bargain price that its insured value was significantly higher than what we actually paid for it), this was the catalyst for such a tumultuous and dark period of our lives that I thought of it as The Accident for a long time. It was one of those events that you expect to define the rest of your life.

Outwardly, many would wonder how this could have been such a devastating event. Our children emerged unscathed, apart from a seemingly irrational fear of "tipping over" (even five years on) when we take a corner a little fast while driving. Our injuries were trivial. But within our emotional lives the cascade of conseqences was far-reaching - to the point of being almost unbearable at times.

To someone who had suffered a "real" trial, such as the death of a child or spouse, I'm sure my pain at the time must have seemed ridiculous. I could hardly have complained about my puny injuries to someone suffering from chronic illness. And yet, as irrational as it may have seemed from the outside, my soul was in agony.

Apart from the personal growth that can come from suffering, there is something else to be gained from pain. The Apostle Paul wrote:

³ Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. ⁵ For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also abounds through Christ.

In other words, God provides comfort in our times of suffering that enables and teaches us to comfort others in their suffering.

Unfortunately, in our weakness, we can develop an attitude of no pain but mine. No pain but mine is worthy of sympathy. In our deepest hearts, especially in the midst of a "big" trial, we can look down our noses at the "little" trials of others. No pain but mine is real pain. Without even realising it, we can despise our brothers and sisters for struggling to deal with what may seem to be small issues.

Clearly this incredibly destructive attitude is not what God has in mind when He comforts us in our grief. Certainly those suffering "little"trials need to be sensitive about what they say to those dragging their way through "big" trials... but the reverse is true as well.

There is no place in a true community for the no pain but mine attitude. Believe me, I've been guilty of it - I guess many of us have at some time or other, but we need to recognise where it comes from, and that's certainly not from God. After all, Jesus Christ doesn't turn up His nose in disgust when we cry out to Him - and He suffered more than any other man (or woman, or child).

I know some beautiful people who have suffered the kind of pain that makes me imagine having my heart ripped out of my chest and trampled on. What I love and admire about these people is that they have the love and compassion to see beyond their own pain to the suffering of others - however apparently trivial - and to be genuinely sympathetic, despite their own trials. This is what I aspire to as God softens my hard-heartedness and hard-headedness.

So often, because we only see the surface, we fail to understand how deeply and lastingly "small" things can hurt our brothers and sisters. We can also get so wrapped up in our own inner worlds that we become oblivious to what is really going on around us on the outside.

Jesus Christ, of course, is the ultimate example to which I aspire. I pray for the compassion and patience to understand that all pain is like mine. Perhaps not in degree (in many cases it is greater than mine, not less - whether I can see it or not) or outward appearance, but a hurting heart doesn't heal by being told that it shouldn't hurt. It heals by being heard.

Between Two Worlds

We homeschoolers often don't like to talk about the challenges we face. Maybe because we're scared that Others will take it as proof that we are inadequate for the job. Or maybe because it will shatter an illusion of perfection.

My challenge right now is that I feel caught between two worlds. The world of toddlers and library story time and playgroup and the world of big kids and big kid activities. The two don't always mix well. A lot of big kid activities are... difficult ... with a toddler in tow who wants to do it all too.

I gave up taking big kids to playgroup a long time ago - it just seemed... weird.

And in the world of homeschoolers, it seems a lot of people don't start on this journey until they've experienced a few years of mainstream school. Sooooo, this can be a lonely place - homeschooling and having little ones to consider and nurture.

It can be really, really hard work investing the love and care into each of these little people. Definitely worth the effort, but... well, if you're considering homeschooling and have toddlers/preschoolers, be prepared for some hard times.

No doubt I will find new challenges with each season of being a parent. I'm OK with where life is right now. Not ecstatic with the wonder of just living life, but OK with it.

Sometimes we don't say these things though. We don't always talk about the ordinary, day-to-day Life. So today I am. I'm just saying - this is how it is for me right now. That's all.

There is No Cure

Let's be honest with ourselves: there is no cure for bad parenting moments.

The one absolute guarantee of being a parent is that we will stuff up. Sometimes in a really big way. There is no cure. Homeschooling will not cure parents or children of miscommunication, impatience, frustration, or any of the other myriad of relationship enemies every parent and child must face at times.

Nor will sending kids to school shield them from the bad influence of our anger, laziness, selfishness... or in fact any of our character weaknesses.

Let me repeat myself: there is no cure for bad parenting moments. We will damage our children - whether we keep them at home within the loving embrace of family life... or whether we send them out as intrepid voyagers into the big, wide world.

So often we fool ourselves with the idea that there is a formula that will give our children the perfect lives... That if we send them to the right schools (or don't send them to school), control every aspect of their lives (or give them the freedom to discover the world for themselves), etc, etc, that somehow they will turn out "right".

The problem with all the formulae ever devised is that we are imperfect and our children have free will.

Of course there are good ways and bad ways of parenting. Beating children into cowering submission is unlikely to yield a happy result. On the other hand, letting them "express themselves" through tantrums and whining is equally unlikely to bring about success.

If our value as human being is tied up in how our kids "turn out" we are headed for disaster and confusion. A child may become an outstanding citizen despite being brought up by the most horrible and vindictive people on the planet. Or a child may become a cruel psychopath, despite being brought up in a loving but demanding home. To believe that we can control the outcome of our children's lives is to deny our humanity and theirs.

Being effective as parents is about being effective as people. If we live with integrity and honesty, we give our kids the best (although not the only) chance of doing the same. If we live by double-standards in a me-first world, we make it difficult (although not impossible) for our children to walk a path of integrity.

Being a parent is simply about being a person. And there is no cure for that.

Purposeful Parenting

If I could give my younger self one piece of advice, it would be to "be intentional" as a Mum. Of course, my younger self (similar to my current self) would probably arc up and ask what made me think she was just bumbling along without a direction and purpose. I still wish I could say it to her, though.

It's only recently that I've "gotten" that the little, everyday decisions all add up to an enormous future. Three times now, I've had a child hit about two years old and been suddenly overwhelmed with the enormity of the task of teaching them ... everything.

It's only with the Baby that I realized that learning how to treat other people begins at birth. I allowed three young babies to claw at my face and pull my hair. By the fourth it finally occurred to me that "unteaching" a toddler these habits was a lot harder than gradually setting reasonable boundaries for a baby from the start (e.g. gently taking her hand away and saying "that hurts Mummy" when she got too rough in her "explorations" of my face and hair).

That's just one small part of the big picture, of course. I'm not just talking about hair-pulling and pinching. I'm talking about having a plan (and I don't mean a detailed chart with daily goals and hundreds of bullet points - although if that's what moves you, don't let disorganized me put you off!) for where we're taking these kids. And then actually acting on that plan.

Theoretically, I guess, most of us Mums don't have a plan for our children to become helpless leeches... but we act like we do! (OK, so maybe it's just me who sighs and puts away the toys and sweeps up the crumbs and takes the bikes off the driveway because that's easier than having a "discussion" with a nine or seven or five-year-old about why they should do it. Or, even worse, having to teach them how to clean up properly... I know, I know - I'm a homeschool Mum, I'm meant to love teaching my kids stuff!)

Theoretically, we don't have a plan for our eldest child to be terrified of ever making a mistake ever (did I say ever?) . But we act like we do... Or am I the only one who circled (in red pen) every spelling mistake her five-year-old made when writing a story about "The volcano and the secret creatures" (yep, I've still got the story to prove it) - written off her own bat - complete with pictures of burnt up skeletons of the birds which didn't escape the raging inferno of the volcano?

Theoretically, we don't plan for our children to grow up believing that the louder you yell, the more likely you are to get your way. But we act like we do... Or am I also the only one who tells the older siblings to leave the baby alone when she screams ... without actually finding out what it was all about (like, is she screaming because her sister took back something she snatched from them?)?

So now (now that I'm becoming the magazine-cover-type mother with never a hair out of place, and definitely not even the slightest hint of being frazzled) I'm giving myself thinking space. I'm stopping to breathe, and to ask myself - am I actually living out my plan... or am I just reacting again?

OK, I know that sometimes life is so suffocating you can't seem to take a breath. Sometimes I'm just survival parenting. But I've discovered even in those moments there is the potential for better. Better might mean crying in front of the kids instead of screaming at them. Better might mean saying sorry when I "lose it"... And saying it again, and again... and again. Better might mean pasting on a smile over the headache (not pretending the pain isn't there, but saying "sweetie, my head is really hurting, but I'm still happy to see you this morning.").

So what's my plan? To live a life of growth. To infuse my kids lives with joy and hope and love. To teach them that there is Someone infinitely bigger, stronger and "lovinger" than me who they can turn to any time - especially when Mummy has a heachache. To admit my mistakes so they can learn to admit theirs. To be willing to let go of everything I hold dear in order to hold onto something infinitely more precious. To live for God so our girls can learn to live for Him too.

That's my plan, time to go and live it.

Remember Your Reasons

At some point in our lives we all have to face up to some big decisions. It's easy to reach a crossroads and panic because the "right" direction doesn't seem clear. If there is something that I've learned in the last few years, it's the importance of why I am doing what I'm doing.

Why am I at this place in my life? Did I get here by "flying by the seat of my pants", or was there a purpose when I started on this journey?

We first considered homeschooling because The Raamonster and I both had very bad school experiences. By the time we actually started homeschooling it was because we wanted to protect our kids from bad influences. Now we continue to homeschool because we want to instill real values in our children and train them up in growing their strengths and overcoming their weaknesses in a way that honours God. Prayerful consideration of God's purpose for our lives has led us to believe that homeschooling is the best way to do this right now.

There are many days when I wake up wondering if I shouldn't just send the kids to school. It seems easier. I feel like I would have so much more freedom to pursue my dreams. But what are my flimsy dreams worth if I don't do my very best work of being a servant of God, wife and mother? Exactly nothing.

There are days when I read or hear about how other families homeschool and I suddenly feel utterly inadequate and wonder if I should be teaching Latin, or Sign Language, or if we should do more sport. Then I remember my reasons for being in this place. They are nothing to do with creating child prodigies, they are nothing to do with the Education Department's arbitrary schedule of learning and they are nothing to do with "keeping up" with everyone else.

If my reasons were to keep our children in line with what they would learn in the school system, then I'm way off track. If my reasons were to "get ahead" so they can "compete" with their peers to get the best available jobs when they grow up, then I'm going in the wrong direction. If my reasons were to prove to the world that home educated children are "normal", then I've failed dismally. If my reasons were to prove to the world what a competent - and in fact outstanding - mother I am, then I really need to go find myself an audience that is interested.

I keep reminding myself of our reasons. We homeschool so we can nurture our children like tender young plants. As I have discovered recently, chucking seeds in the ground and leaving them to themselves is not a very successful way of gardening. A "survival of the fittest" approach is not satisfactory unless I want to eat only pigweed, nettles and borage for the rest of my life. Without protection, precious seedlings are rapidly destroyed by slugs, snails, earwigs, chickens, sparrows... the list goes on. Likewise, we homeschool because we aren't prepared to just ... chuck our children out in the world and see what happens (I'm not having a go that people who send their kids to school - just reflecting on what the consequences of going to school are likely to be for our own children at their age). For others, perhaps choosing a particular school or getting actively involved in the school is their way of nurturing and protecting those tender little plants.

The important thing is the why. If our goals for our children are centred on academic success (e.g. we choose a school based on Naplan test scores or our homeschool timetable is focused on "getting things done"), we shouldn't be disappointed when Susie has trouble making friends. She has simply adopted our standards. If our goals for our children are based on being "normal" (e.g. we let them watch a questionable program because it's what every kid watches), we shouldn't be surprised when Michael is disrespectful and disdains our values ... because that's what every kid does.

Whatever path you choose for your family, I would urge you - when a crisis hits - remember your reasons. Remember how you got here in the first place. It won't necessarily mean that you won't choose a new direction, but if you do choose a new direction it won't be just because you got scared. Or just because you got tired. Or just because you got frustrated. It will be because the new path will actually take you where you want to go.

Juggling Chainsaws

Toddlers are hard work. Some more so than others. Trying to homeschool older children while keeping a toddler safely occupied and running a household is a mammoth task. For some more than for others.

There are many wonderful suggestions for dealing with toddlers and preschoolers while homeschooling, but for many of us they are simply unrealistic. Some are too expensive, some too messy, some rely on resources, space or storage that many of us don't have. Some (dare I say it) come from mothers who actually weren't homeschooling when their youngest were toddlers. And some rely on having the kind of child who will not scream and try to claw their way out of any kind of restraint. The kind of child who has the fine motor control and intelligence necessary to plug in appliances and turn them on. The kind of child who has the strength of will of a pit-bull. The kind of child who, when sent outside, will eat dirt and then bring some inside to scatter randomly throughout the house.

This is not a cop-out - I'm not throwing up my hands and giving up on making any effort at reining in the toddler. She is being taught, step by step, what is acceptable behaviour and what is not. However, this process takes precious time and energy, and while she is learning these lessons, there is a lot of chaos. Even with the very best of efforts (and I'll be the first to admit, that I often don't put in my best effort, to my shame), there is no quick fix for a strong-willed toddler - no magic potion for ensuring that the older kids get a fair share of Mum's attention.

Such children, of course, need to be discipled (I use that word deliberately, because I'm talking about more than simply punishing for bad behaviour). That process, of necessity, takes time away from the teaching of older children.

Several months ago, our family watched a street performer juggling chainsaws. That image, for me, represents my life at the moment. No, this isn't the cue to send the older kids to school. Our reasons for homeschooling them remain as strong as ever. I just have to keep slogging away, keep doing my job as God leads me, regardless of how hard it gets. Right is never impossible. As long as I stick close to God, He will enable me to throw the necessary mountains into the sea. He will equip me to juggle chainsaws.