What We Should

"With great power comes great responsibility."  Remember that saying from Spiderman? (Now there's a movie I plan never to watch again.)  Well.  It's true, isn't it?  And true of being a parent.  As parents we have enormous power, and most of us take the responsibilty that goes with it very seriously.

We wonder whether we should make our children practise their music, or let them decide.  We ask ourselves whether swimming lessons or ball sports are more important.  We agonise over the perfect balance between innocence and being aware of potential dangers in the world around them.  We argue back and forth among ourselves over food, screen time, independence, safety, attachment, breastfeeding - in fact, every imaginable facet of parenting becomes subject to a squillion conflicting "rules" dictated to befuddled parents by a myriad of "experts".

Once again, though, we are asking ourselves the Wrong Questions.  There is no one authoratitative resource which defines the ideal diet, the perfect balance of extracurricular activities and the exact formula for screen time.  In its own unique way, though, the Bible tells us exactly what we should do.  The big, central question for every parent, is exactly the same as the big, central question for every human being: "what should I become?" (And, of course, there are a whole bunch of other questions that go along with that, but - interestingly - "should we have pizza for dinner tonight?" is not one of them.)

Being a good parent is all about being a good person.  And being a good person is comprehensively defined by the Bible.  It starts with realising you can't actually be a good person without God working in your life, front and centre.  And then there are a whole pile of principles that apply to every human relationship - including the parent-child relationship.  God's definition of Love in 1 Corinthians 13 is a great place to start.

Let me digress a little.  We have a bad habit of defining parental success by the outcomes in the lives of our children.  Ever heard a parent say something like: "we tried everything to make Johnny stop hitting his sister, but nothing worked"?  The implication is that it's our job to make our children do what is right... and that somehow that will turn them into good people.  To a limited extent we can control and change our children's behaviour when they're young, but shouldn't our goal be to teach them what is right and what is wrong (including administering painful consequences, to demonstrate clearly that sin causes pain) and hope like mad that they will choose to do what is right?  That sounds terrifying, but sooner or later, our children will choose for themselves, whether we like it or not, and if we spent their lives forcing them to do what's right, they may not choose the right so readily as we might hope.

We may do everything humanly possible to be good parents... and have children who grow up to make bad choices and end up in jail.  On the other hand, we could be utterly selfish and yet churn out kids who become doctors who choose to give freely of their services in third-world countries.  The choices our children ultimately make don't define our success (or failure) as parents.  There are countless people who have risen above a horrible upbringing to become outstanding leaders.  Unfortunately, the reverse is also true.

Soooo, getting back to the main point, the truest definition of our success (or not) as parents, is whether (or not) we become what we should.  It's whether (or not) we do what we should.  It's whether (or not) we live as we should.  If we are really and truly guided by the principle of loving others as ourselves and God most of all, then the question of how many serves of veges our kids have eaten today fade into insignificance.  The right actions will naturally flow from the right frame of mind.

Of course, none of us will ever love our children perfectly in this lifetime, because we are still human.  But if we are truly motivated to become what we should, then in the grand scheme of things - regardless of what our children choose to do with their lives - we will truly have succeeded.

Thoughts on Crying... and Some Other Stuff too

Babies. Crying. Put those two words together and it can make for an explosive conversation. There are many opinions out there about babies crying and how bad or good it is for them... And some misinformation, including citing of non-existent research. More recently, some research has been done to follow up older children who were "subjected" to controlled crying as young babies. In all that I have found though, neither the opinions nor the research rely on the foundation of true knowledge - the "fear of the Lord".

Interestingly, the Bible has no rules on letting babies cry... or not. It does advise us to "train up a child in the way he should go" and warns that the "heart is deceitful above all things". It also provides a model for good parenting through God's relationship with His people. After all, God is the Ultimate Parent.

So what can we learn from the Bible about letting babies cry (or not)? First and foremost, I truly believe we must learn that God's work with each of us is personal. If God has not seen fit to lay out rules for parents about letting babies cry, then why should we make rules for each other - especially based on research by people who don't even believe in God?

Certainly there is a place for loving and timely advice and encouragement from one struggling mother to another. However, we can so easily become discouraging when we don't fully understand the challenges others face.

When I look at God's relationship with me, I see a pattern. When I was young in the faith, He answered my cries quickly - to show me that He was there and cared about me. As I have gotten older in the faith, He has let me "cry" for longer in order for me to learn valuable lessons and to learn that if I do things His way life will work so much better. He doesn't care about me less, but I can't grow as a child of God if He always jumps in and fixes things as soon as I start to cry. Likewise as my children have grown, I have gradually let them experience some discomfort and distress so that they can learn to take responsibility for, and ownership of, their emotions and decisions.

When have I done this? I'm not gonna tell. Each child is truly a unique individual and God has given me the responsibility to raise the children under my care through the guidance of His spirit. At times I've stuffed up - I've told children who needed my comfort to get over themselves. At other times I've comforted babies who didn't need comfort at all - they were just testing to see how quickly they could bring Mummy running.

Interestingly, I noticed with my youngest that she needed to cry herself to sleep. Believe me, her crying sounding to me, her mother, like true distress, but at a certain age I just could not comfort her to sleep. However, if I lay her in her bed and let her cry for a few minutes, she would settle herself and sleep much better than she had when I was "interfering"! My older children were all different, and looking back I'm sure I could have done better with each of them if I hadn't been so absorbed by my own comfort, but thankfully my many mistakes (and sins) aren't a death-sentence to my relationships with them or with God... as long as I stay willing to grow and change.

The sooner we recognise that every child - and every parent-child relationship - is unique, the sooner we can get on with the business of truly uplifting and encouraging one another in those unique relationships.

One mother struggles with terrible guilt because a particular method of sleep training was essential to her mental health and ability to function. Another may feel inadequate because she couldn't muster the mental discipline to help their babies develop good sleep habits early in life. Yet another may have had a baby who literally wouldn't stop crying in the early days and weeks... and sometimes even months... She simply had to shut the door and let baby cry. It is very easy to judge one or all of these mothers from an objective distance as harsh or weak or even cruel, but when we haven't lived right in the middle of someone else's life, experiencing the very thoughts in their head, we can rarely truly understand just how hard it can be to be... someone else.

In the end, the (sometimes unspoken) rules that we impose on ourselves and others can very easily break down the essential support networks that help us get through those tough early years. I know that far too often I blurt out the words of criticism and hold back the words of encouragement or admiration. It takes real humility to accept and believe that someone else's way might truly work as well as ours... perhaps even better.

On the other hand, it takes patience and love to not carry with us every judgement and criticism that we read into the words and looks of others. Motherhood - especially early motherhood - can be such a sensitive and vulnerable time that we can easily mistake loving concern for harsh condemnation. That lovely older lady at church who says: "don't you think that will spoil him, dear?" is not necessarily speaking from some lofty height of superiority, but may be absolutely aching to ease the burden of a tired and frazzled young mother. On the other hand, single guy (who has never touched a baby in his life) who expresses concern about a baby left to cry, may truly hear something in that cry that (exhausted, emotional, hormonal) Mummy can't hear.

We will all get things wrong on our parenting journey, and sometimes God will use the most unlikely of people to tell us so... And sometimes we will have to forgive those who are speaking from a lofty height of superiority or in absolute ignorance of what it really means to be a mother.

It's a tough gig, this motherhood thing, but if we come right back down to the absolute foundation of wisdom - the fear of God - and invest ourselves in growing in Godly love, then we will have success that the world can't even begin to measure.

Quit Judging Me!

I hear it (and, if I'm being honest, think it) a lot - comments like "I wish people would quit judging me!"; "I feel so judged"; "they have no right to judge me!"

People who call themselves christians can often be heard to quote "judge not, that you be not judged". What don't get quoted any near as much are the numerous scripture that exhort us to speak up when we see someone doing the wrong thing.

Just what did Jesus mean when he said "judge not"? Did he mean "pretend you don't see blatant sin"? ... That would make him a hypocrite, considering the way he spoke to the Pharisees. As the son of God, Jesus certainly wasn't a hypocrite!

It's not my intent to write a sermon, but I'd like to make a few observations. Often when I hear "I wish people would quit judging me," it comes from someone who is headed for trouble, but resents the words of caution from those who love them. I've been the one headed for trouble myself - the one who wouldn't listen. Those urging caution were expressing their love and concern for me... something the bible tells us we should do when we are able. For me to call their concern "judging" was arrogant in the extreme.

Consider an analogy... you're standing at the edge of the road with a friend, waiting to cross. You've checked for cars and decided it's all clear (or maybe you haven't even checked). As you begin to step out, your friend, who has spotted a truck flying round the corner, yells "Look out!" If you walk right out onto the road while berating your friend for judging you, you'll become crow food. In an act of pig-headedness you not only lose your own life, but leave your friend traumatised.

Most of us are smart enough to stop when someone yells "look out!" while we're crossing the road. Not many of us are smart enough to stop when a true friend gently suggests that we're headed for an emotional or psychological train wreck that may cause great pain to others as well as ourselves. Instead, we step right out in front of that truck, all the while bemoaning the fact that we're being "judged".

And yet, when you or I are complaining about being judged, aren't we even more guilty? After all, when a friend urges us not to step out in front of a truck, they are simply observing a danger we haven't seen and trying to protect us from harm. They probably aren't thinking, "wow! She's so stupid stepping out in front of that truck - she deserves to get hurt." Yet when we accuse our friend of judging us, we assume that we understand the intent of their heart - something that God tells us only He can see. Warning a friend against an imminent emotional train wreck is rarely a pleasant exercise. The loving friend is unlikely to experience a buzz of satisfaction or that "high" that comes from a random act of kindness. In fact, someone who has the courage to speak up is more likely to end up rejected and possibly even publicly humiliated as a reward for their pains.

Jesus calls us to the ultimate challenge - turning His words inward on ourselves, not outward toward others. He didn't say "don't ever let anyone judge you". In fact, He told us to be like little children - teachable and humble.

So... if you ever have anything difficult to say to me, trying yelling "look out!" first - maybe then I'll stop and listen! :)