Was God's Hand Not on Him That Day?

About seven months ago I had the opportunity to hear a survivor of the Black Saturday bushfires speak about how he and his family had been impacted on that day. By the end I'm pretty sure all his listeners were in tears. He told us about the tragic death of his brother in the fire. He also related to us how the fires from two directions stopped at the edges of the grounds of the conference centre he himself runs with his wife. A lady in the audience commented: "God's hand was really on you that day". His response was unexpected, but profound. I can't remember his exact words, so I'll have to paraphrase "I don't like to say that. My brother was a Christian and a husband and father. Was God's hand not on him that day?"

Since that day, I've pondered this a number of times. I think the majority of Christians believe that God is with us in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health... in theory. In theory we have faith that God loves us more than we can comprehend. But do our lives reflect that in practice?

When bad things happen, I often find myself responding as if God weren't there. I'm not suggesting that we should abdicate responsibility for our lives. However, when things outside our control go wrong, we can't change the outcome next time by doing things differently. Tragedy may strike us, even if we have prayed for God's guidance and wisdom in a particular area of our lives. If we focus all our energies on simply trying to prevent the same thing happening again, then we are saying one of two things: either that God is not strong enough/doesn't care enough to protect us OR that we ourselves in some way ignored or rejected God's guidance. Certainly there are times when we haven't "listened" to God, but when we have, we need to trust that the outcome - no matter how unpleasant - was according to His will.

We are often quick to praise God for the times of quiet and comfort - do we also praise Him in times of disquiet and discomfort? Aren't both in our best interests? Doesn't He know what circumstances will best promote our growth? Just imagine if the apostle Paul had given up on preaching the gospel the first time he was ship-wrecked or beaten!

Too often I find myself caught up in the badness of a bad situation, instead of asking what I can learn or how I can grow through the pain. Christ said "...blessed are the persecuted..." "...blessed are you when they revile you and persecute you..." Do we believe Him? Christ said "I'll never leave you, nor forsake you". Do we believe Him? God's hand is on us when we submit ourselves to Him, for richer or poorer, for better or worse, in sickness or in health... God doesn't suddenly abandon us in floods or fires or earthquakes or grief. Do we believe that?

King David wrote, "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me." Even in moments of the most profound tragedy, God's hand is on us. It's up to us to believe it.

Leave a Hole Behind You

I'm priveleged to know some pretty special people. A few years ago now we had a pretty awful car accident. Our car was written off at the beginning of an extended holiday. We received all kinds of offers of help - including the loan of another car - from people I barely knew. We were loved and looked after by people who knew the Raamonster's parents, just because we were related to them.

They, like a number of other people we know, leave a hole behind them wherever they go. Wherever they are, they give something to others. When they are gone, that something is deeply missed. Some people leave an obvious hole behind them because they are bubbly and enthusiastic and full of energy. Others leave a hole that is felt, but not seen or understood - a quiet, empty place. We don't always recognise the loss when someone moves to another area, or is absent from church, or goes back home at the end of a holiday. Even if we don't recognise it, we do feel it - whether it is a huge, gaping chasm, or a quiet, empty place. I wonder - am I the kind of person who leaves a hole behind me?*

Leaving a hole behind us is not about being well-known, or even well-liked - it's about giving the best of what we've got from God. The kind of hole I'm talking about comes from God's presence in our lives, not our own amazing personalities. It's not about being seen - it's about just being.

We live in a world where people are becoming increasingly separate and self-centred. Too often my interactions with other people are focused on doing business, not building relationships. My life can easily become little more than a series of tasks to be done as quickly and easily as possible so I can then retreat completely into a world of electronic entertainment (such as reading other people's blogs :)). Again, I have to ask myself, do I give to others? Do I invest myself in relationships? Do I leave a hole behind me?

I'd like to encourage you to look people in the eye and smile, to listen more and talk less... Wherever you go, when you leave, try to leave a hole behind you.

* I'm pondering, not fishing for compliments!

How It's All Going

So what is life really like homeschooling with four young children - one being a newborn? Well... I can't tell you that, because we're on holidays right now!

Seriously, you know how it is when people say "how are you?" - generally I answer in one or two words, that encapsulate my mood at that particular moment. Usually my automatic answer is "good"... unless I'm very tired!

This is the more detailed answer for anyone out there who might be interested. Let's see...

Baby is sleeping well. This is Very Good. I would really like it if she would sleep, like, eight hours at a stretch (at night!), but I'm quite happy to settle for three (gotta be realistic!). That is Much Better than what we have had to deal with at times with the other three girls. Despite the bliss of three hours sleep at a time, I'm still tired, but hey, that's just life. It's just a stage (I think) until I get old enough to have insomnia. :)

Baby is mostly quite content and settled when she is awake and being cuddled by me. She's not so happy being cuddled by her sisters... but maybe that's something to do with the way they poke her eyes. :) She doesn't mind being on the floor (the compulsory "tummy time" commanded by Those In Authority - according to them all development happens in this position) - for a short period of time. Again, all to be expected. She is starting to smile and coo, which makes me absolutely melt. I have to say that I feel like I'm appreciating Baby more than I did the others because I really understand now how quickly the years pass. When the others were younger, I had loads of older people tell me that those early years slip away, but I think it's one of those things you don't really get until you've lived it for a while.

Our family and friends have been just fantastic in providing all kinds of support - taking the older girls on outings, cooking us meals, doing shopping... I really appreciate how thoughtful so many people have been.

Personally, I have to admit, I'm struggling with fatigue. Not exactly physical fatigue, but emotional exhaustion from the constant output required to keep our household running. It's the things that only I can do that can wear me out at times. Only I can be a mother to my children - no one else can substitute at the end of the day. No matter how many other people listen to my children, teach them, and nurture them - they still want me to listen to them, teach them and nurture them. It is something that I want to do, and that, in theory, I love to do. It's not a job I'm looking to outsource, but it is quite draining. I think the emotional "wear and tear" comes from that intense desire to do a good job, conflicting with the reality of my human frailties. How thankful I am that God fills the gaps! As an introvert, I find the sustained chatter that my girls enjoy exhausting. Actively listening to them is hard work! Having said all that, it is worthwhile work, and I think there are still areas that I'm "wasting" emotional energy on trivia, instead of committing it to the really important things.

When I think about the the challenges that other people have faced in their lives - war, starvation, abuse, chronic pain, and the like - I can feel hopelessly inadequate. It seems quite pathetic to find anything hard in my middle-class life, but ... well, I can't make my brain stop feeling tired. I can be positive and resist the great enemy of discouragement and work on being the best that I can be with God pushing me along.

There are days when I feel discouraged and overwhelmed. There are many days when I feel disappointed that I'm not investing as much in the girls' lives as I would like. There are SO many things that I want to teach them yesterday. Not academic facts, but things about life, the universe and everything. I think those feelings are a bit like getting knocked over by a big wave - rather than fighting desperately against a force far more powerful than myself, I need to just let it pass and then get my head back above water.

Anyway, for the most part I'm at peace and content with where life is, but I wanted to share some of these thoughts for others who might be in a similar place. Often the picture other people see of our lives is all bright and shiny and seemingly perfect - the reality is something much more tired, and worn, and imperfect.

And with that I will say good night!

We are the "Them" We Keep Complaining About

You know how it is - more often than not, when something goes wrong in our lives, it is Someone Else's fault. We often look at the world as being made up of two groups of people: "Them" and "Us". "We" are all the friends and family who generally support the way we live our lives and don't criticize our decisions... or the people who are too disinterested to care or too far away to interfere. "They" are the Others - the people who dare to disagree with us or do things that we consider unsound or immoral. We often refer to "them" as "people". For example, "I just don't get people who... (fill the blank with an activity or thought process that you disapprove of)".

Often "they" are politicians or authority figures in some way. The thing is, we can't change "them" - we can't make them listen to us or do things our way. We *can* change "Us" - how we react and what we do to make things better. Too often, when we are complaining about "them" we are actually perpetuating a problem by not taking responsibility at our end. For example, when we complain about how much stuff gets imported from China, but aren't willing to pay a higher price for something produced without exploitation of people or resources. When we complain about the health care system, but aren't willing to pay more tax to fund a better one, then WE are the "them" we keep complaining about. When we complain about companies that pollute our air and water ways, but keep buying their products - then we are the "them" we keep complaining about. When we complain about the exploitation of children, but dress our five-year-olds in string bikinis and mini-skirts - then we are the "them" we keep complaining about. Basically, when we complain about the general unfairness of life, but don't do EVERYthing in our power to share our prosperity (not just money, but all the freedoms and priveleges we enjoy without even giving it a second thought) with those less fortunate than ourselves... then we are, and always will be, the "them" we keep complaining about.

So let's quit complaining about "them" (because - lets face it - "they" outnumber us by, like, six billion to one) and start doing something about us!

Bring On Baby Brain!

OK, so I would love to know what changes go on in mother's brains after having a new baby. I've recently read a book on neuroplasticity called The Brain That Changes Itself - although I disagree with its statements regarding evolution (of course), I would definitely recommend it as a fascinating and enlightening read. Reading about just how much the brain can and does change based on input and experience makes me wonder about the whole "baby brain" phenomenon. ("Baby brain" being the standard excuse for illogical/irrational thinking in new mothers.)

See, I've noticed a pattern. Three things consistently happen to me after having a baby. First, my spatial awareness deteriorates. In practical terms that means I stub my toes a lot and run into furniture. I know, I know - that could be just fatigue, but it often happens during the day, not just when I'm stumbling around the house half-asleep at night. Second, my hands and feet "go to sleep" at random times, not just when I'm sitting cross-legged or lying on my arms. And third is the dreams.

Soon after having each baby I started having dreams that are almost hallucinations. I feel like I'm awake and I'm fully aware of where I am, but I hear things that aren't there - usually someone walking around the room or talking. I've finally learned that if I can't open my eyes or speak, then whatever I am hearing is not real. Still, it's a pretty terrifying experience - lying immobilised and mute while hearing a stranger walking around my house in the middle of the night. The interesting thing is that as soon as I hear a REAL sound my body is able to fully wake up - even though my rational brain can't distinguish the real sound from the imaginary.

So I'm just pondering - wondering why these things happen after the birth of a new baby? How does my brain redirect its functions after birth to better enable me to care for Baby? And why does this make me loopy in the process?! I can only marvel at the Mind that created us this way.

Patience or Pain? (Continued)

The really difficult part of this birth for me was the waiting. Patience is not my strength, and by the end of the first 24 hours I was in tears. Anxiety and uncertainty had set in, but what could I do except... wait?

Although the pain that followed was right at the limits of my endurance, it was far easier to handle emotionally than the previous stage. This experience certainly made me much more sympathetic to those who deal with low-level chronic pain... Especially if it's enough to keep them awake at night! Just one night of mild labour pains was bad enough - I simply can't imagine enduring that kind of thing day after day AND night after night - especially without the reward of a baby at the end!

ANYway, I had all these profound thoughts to share, but now they're all gone, so I'm just going to end it there and write about something else.

Patience or Pain?

This is the story of a birth.

Baby was born last week. It started at about 6pm on Monday night. To be honest, terms like "pre-labour" and "established labour" annoy me. Contractions are contractions, and regardless of how long or how far apart they are, as far as I'm concerned, contractions mean labour, plain and simple. *Technically* what I experienced for pretty much 24 hours was not "established" labour. However, it was enough to keep me awake the entire night, and since my previous two babies were born less than twelve hours after the first contraction, that felt like a LOOOONG time!

By Tuesday afternoon I was feeling physically and emotionally drained - I just wanted it all to be over. I figured intense, unrelenting pain had to be better than the waiting. At perhaps 6.30pm I labour finally became "established" and I had a bath for a bit of relief... at this point I was getting pretty... uncomfortable. About 7pm my sister, P, arrived for her visit, which we had planned the week before. Soon after that, the Raamonster and I headed out to the room in our garage, already set up with a mattress covered with a tarp and old sheets, ready to receive Baby in style. Meanwhile P kept our girlies occupied jumping on the trampoline. Soon after that my waters broke and contractions were really coming thick and fast. It was about at that point that I started to feel like I just couldn't cope and the screaming began! It felt like forever, but only a short time later, Baby's head was out, shortly followed by her body. What had taken so long in coming was finally over at 7.50pm on Tuesday night.

Raamonster went and got the girls who came to greet their new baby sister who was still wet and sticky. A little later I carried her over to the bed for a cuddle and to wait for the placenta to emerge. It wasn't really a comfortable position and the placenta wasn't as quick in coming out as with my others, so I decided to come inside and take a bath (and clean off baby who was now covered in poo!). It was just before I got into the bath that the placenta pretty much fell out (expertly caught by Raamonster - baby was still attached to the cord!), so we recruited P to cut the cord. P and I were both feeling light-headed at this point, but thankfully she managed to cut the cord *before* she fainted! ... and thankfully I didn't faint at all, since I was holding Baby! Then once Baby and I were cleaned up and dressed we all went to bed. To be continued...